It was at my friend Nirmala’s 25^th birthday that I practiced “party of one” tip number four. 

4. When you’re nervous, alone, don’t know how to talk to someone you’ve just met, and don’t yet know if you even want to know them further, ask them about themselves. It’ll let you know if you do want to get to know them, and relax everyone. Most people don’t receive a lot of undivided attention from other people who are interested in who they are and what they’re doing. Mostly, they’re told who to be, what to wear, what to weigh, who to date, and so on. To have someone express interest sets most people on fire. It doesn’t take much to get rolling. Here are a few examples that I used on one of Nirmala’s more reserved female friends. 

“Hi! I’m Nirmala’s friend Sita. What’s your name?” 

“How do you and Nirmala know each other?”  

“What do you do with your days? I’m working on an MA half-time, writing, and investigating volunteering opportunities.” (This allows them time to understand that you’re not asking necessarily what they do for a living, as though that’s the sum total of who they are. I hate that.) 

From a beginning like this, I learned that Nic’s friend is in her 30’s, not her 20’s like I originally thought. I found out that she used to be a cat and dog veterinarian, but recently chose to specialize in feline care. Her job isn’t just how she pays the mortgage, it’s something she’s passionate about. She often adopts the older cats that people bring in to put to sleep, so she has ten or twelve cats at home at any given time. All this told me a lot about why she and Nirmala are friends. Though reserved, Nirmala’s vet friend is passionate and dedicated to the life she’s created, she’s tremendously compassionate and doesn’t talk a lot about the things that need doing - she simply does them.  

I learned all that in the first fifteen minutes of conversation, simply by asking questions and letting her tell me, and show me who she was. 

To my surprise, I ended up staying at that party until almost midnight. (Something I never do. My family always teases me and calls me “Granny Edwards.” Now, where’s my walker?) 

Clearly, my party skills and I could use some practice, but I’m getting there. The best part is, I always have more fun than I expect, and it’s never as scary as I think it’s going to be. 

I even got to feel all super in demand at Nic’s party. I tried to leave at ten, but the people I was talking to exclaimed in disapproval, and wouldn’t permit it. 

What do you know? I may have arrived alone, but I left feeling like part of the group.

5. Calm down from the outside in. When I get uncertain and nervous, my heart rate goes up, and I begin to breathe very rapidly & shallowly. Take conscious, slow breaths, remind yourself that there’s no need to panic, and dive in. 

I found this particularly helpful when I attended a holiday open house with my mom and her sweetie. Other than me, the youngest person there was twice my age, and I’d never met any of them. Usually when familial guilt cons me into attending such events, I revert to age six. I drink ginger ale, stand pigeon-toed, & talk an octave above my normal speaking voice. It’s like being possessed of the ghost of Sita Past. Yuck. 

This time, when I felt myself beginning to skid headlong toward mute panic tinged with boredom, I yanked myself back. I worked on my breathing, and found myself immediately calming down, so when the hostess came over to talk to us (and asked me about myself - see #4), I was feeling receptive, and gamely followed along to be introduced to people. It was a wonderful evening during which I discussed the public school system, education in general, the impact of my education in my life, and learned a lot about art. 

Heading into a room full of people you don’t know can be scary stuff, even without adding size concerns into the mix. But recent experience tells me that simply by showing up to such events I’m confounding people’s expectations. Fat people don’t sit at home watching television because we’ve got nothing else to do. We go to parties, write articles about our silly mistakes, laugh at ourselves, love our friends, and we live our lives to the fullest. 

Now that is activism!

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