6 Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World

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Six Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World

By Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kiss My Assets Column at Elegant Plus Magazine

[This article was first published in Bay State Parent magazine as a Parenting 1,2,3 article]

You probably wouldn’t believe it if you had heard it yourself. MaryBeth, a mother of three, came to me in a panic. Her daughter, Madeline, who had recently turned six years old, had been standing outside by the pool with her two friends, Hallie and Rachel, when the snubbing began. Marybeth witnessed Madeline’s two friends slapping their bellies and whispering to each other. Hallie spoke first. “You can’t be our friend anymore, Maddie, ‘cause you’re 55 pounds and we’re only 45 and 47 ½ pounds.” Rachel continued, “Yeah, 6 year olds like us shouldn’t weigh more than 50 pounds. If you are, it means you’re fat… and fat people are ugly.” At that, Madeline ran to her Mom, and whimpered, “Mommy, am I fat and ugly?” while the other girls jumped into the pool.

As a body image and child development specialist, I believe I have heard it all. Too fat. Too short. Too flat. Too big. Too scrawny. These stories, while plentiful, are never easy to hear. 

We used to think that “fitting in” had mostly to do with how your personality meshes with your friends. But in today’s world, when everywhere from Hollywood to New York is preaching extreme thinness, “fitting in” seems to have more to do with how you appear on the outside rather than who you are the inside. And, unfortunately, those parents who thought that they didn’t have to worry about body image issues until their children became teens are being sideswiped in the head by a large dose of reality. 

No child should ever feel that s/he is “worth less” because of how s/he looks. When it comes to society’s messages that “thin is in” and “fat is faulty” what can we do to help our children remember that it’s what’s inside that counts?

Tip 1. Show children that everyone comes in different sizes

Let them know that on the normal bell curve for weight, children fall in all different places. Some are lighter and some are heavier. It’s normal for children to gain weight at different rates and at different times during their childhood. Some shoot up like weeds and then gain weight while others gain weight and then grow taller. What’s important is that each child is healthy and active NOT that each child is at the average weight for his or her age group. Of course, if you’re concerned about your child’s weight or weight progression, contact your pediatrician for advice.

Tip 2. Don’t compare

Even within families, siblings will put on weight at different times and at different rates. Pointing out that one of your children is putting weight on faster or is heavier than another sibling, can be interpreted as a criticism that s/he is not fitting in to what is “normal.” Given societal messages regarding dieting and thinness, especially those delivered to young girls, it’s easy for children to interpret seemingly innocuous comparative comments as judgments of a child’s worth.

Tip 3. Watch the media that comes into your house

A lot of magazines and TV shows hail thin frames and denigrate bodies that are not thin enough according to Hollywood standards. When someone once said, “a picture’s worth a thousand words” they were right. Research shows that media has a large impact on the way children feel about themselves and how they judge others. If you see something that celebrates very thin figures or denigrates those who are not thin, talk about it and ask your children what their take is on the subject. TV shows and books that confirm that people come in all shapes and sizes, can also be extremely helpful. (I use a self-published book for my own presentations on this topic. If interested, please contact me directly through www.DrRobynSilverman.com)

Tip 4. Be aware of your own language and behaviors

 If you’re hyper-focused on weight and looks, your child will pick up on it. As they say, “monkey see, monkey do.” You are your children’s role model and superhero. They want to be just like you and they want you to be proud of them. So when a parent looks in the mirror and says “yuck,” their children may wonder if you think the same thing about them. Young people follow your lead so be sure to show them what a healthy body image (not just a healthy lifestyle) looks like.

Tip 5. Expose them to different activities and people

 When children have the opportunity to meet different kinds of people and do different activities, they learn about and develop strengths. Other people show them that children can be good at all different things and how someone looks does not determine their worth or their abilities. A wide array of activities like team sports, martial arts, hip-hop dance and drama can help children develop confidence in what they can do and who they can be without hyper-focusing on weight and appearance.

Tip 6. Stress your values

 Raising your children to determine their true friends by who they are and not by how they look is helpful in several ways. First, they’ll attract people who think similarly. Second, they’ll be more apt to judge themselves by the strength of their values rather than how thin they are. And third, they’ll be less apt to surround themselves with people who base friendship on appearance.

But most of all, be patient and supportive. Be prepared for your children to change shape and size often during childhood. Growing up and out can be confusing and even anxiety-provoking for children who are trying to “fit in.” Helping all young people feel worthwhile, valued and capable, no matter what weight they are, is vital to the development of positive body image and self esteem.

Body Image expert, Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman, is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents, adolescents, and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, parents, and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your child’s school or at your business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information.

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6 Responses to “6 Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World”

  1. helpfulgirl Says:

    “If you see something that celebrates very thin figures or denigrates those who are not thin, talk about it and ask your children what they’re take is on the subject.”

    –grammar error in the above sentence, from Tip 3. They’re should be their.

  2. Hablá con tu hija « Chili soup Says:

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  3. Peggy Says:

    Dear Colleagues,

    We ask you to join us in rejecting the attempt to label large
    children as “obese.” Attached please find a research-based call to
    action prepared by leaders of the Weight Realities Division of the
    Society for Nutrition Education, the National Association to Advance
    Fat Acceptance, and the Association for Size Diversity and Health.
    Please take the time to read it carefully. If you agree with the
    contents, please forward the call to action to any or all of the
    leaders listed below and/or to other individuals or organizations
    with whom you think it is important to communicate. We would like
    to reach as many people who care about the overall health of
    children as possible. E-mail addresses are given below each list of
    names to make it easier to cut-and-paste them into the “To” field of
    an e-mail.

    You will probably want to send a cover message saying that you
    support this protest along with your name and any other identifying
    information that you wish to share. It is important to do this as
    soon as possible since the decision as to whether or not to adopt
    this recommendation will be made in the near future.

    U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
    * Anand K. Parekh, Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary for Health
    * Julie Gerberding, Director, CDC
    * Kathleen Toomey, Director, Coordinating Center for Health
    Promotion, CDC
    * Janet Collins, Director, Center for Chronic Disease Prevention
    and Health Promotion, CDC
    * William Dietz, Director, Division of Nutrition, Physical
    Activity
    and Obesity
    * Elizabeth Duke, Administrator, Health Resources and Services
    Administration (HRSA)
    * David E. Heppel, Division of Child, Adolescent, and Family
    Health, HRSA
    anand.parekh@hhs.gov,
    julie.gerberding@cdc.hhs.gov,
    kathleen.toomey@cdc.hhs.gov,
    janet.collins@cdc.hhs.gov,
    william.dietz@cdc.hhs.gov,
    EDuke@hrsa.gov;
    DHeppel@hrsa.gov

    U.S. Department of Agriculture
    * Nancy Johner, Undersecretary for Food, Nutrition, and Consumer
    Services
    * Judy Wilson, Director of Nutrition Services, Food and Nutrition
    Service
    * Colien Hefferan, Administrator, Cooperative State Research,
    Education and Extension Service (CSREES)

    nancy.johner@usda.gov;
    judy.wilson@fns.usda.gov;
    chefferan@csrees.usda.gov;

    Organizations wishing to join this protest can contact:
    jikeda@berkeley.edu

    Joanne P. Ikeda, MA,RD
    Nutritionist Emeritus
    Nutritional Sciences Department
    University of California
    Berkeley, CA

    A Call to Action: Reject Labeling Children & Adolescents as Obese

    Sponsored by the Weight Realities Division of the Society for
    Nutrition Education, the National Association to Advance Fat
    Acceptance, and the Association for Size Diversity and Health
    (www.sne.org, www.naafa.org, www.sizediversityandhealth.org)

    The Expert Committee on the Assessment, Prevention and Treatment of
    Child and Adolescent Overweight and Obesity was convened by the
    American Medical Association, with funding from the U.S. Department
    of Health and Human Services¡¦ Health Resources and Services
    Administration (HRSA) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
    (CDC). The deliberations about the committee¡¦s recommendations must
    address two urgent questions:

    􀂃ƒnAre the terms ¡§obese¡¨ and ¡§obesity¡¨ stigmatizing?
    􀂃ƒnIf they are, why would health professionals choose to use
    these terms in relationship to children and adolescents?

    In their report, the committee states, ¡§Previously, the word ¡¥obese¡¦
    was avoided with regard to children because of concerns about
    stigma¡¨ (http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/site/free/hlsd0709.htm).
    Apparently, the committee no longer considers this a major reason to
    avoid use of the term ¡§obesity¡¨ in relationship to children and
    adolescents. This is surprising since recent research shows that the
    stigmatization of large children has increased by 40% over the last
    30 years (Latner & Stunkard, 2003).

    To justify labeling large children and adolescents as obese,
    Reginald Washington, MD, panel spokesman and medical director of
    Rocky Mountain Pediatric Cardiology in Denver, said, “The rest of
    the world uses that terminology already.” Yes, the rest of the world
    does use the term, and often in a stigmatizing way. In 2001, Puhl
    and Brownell published an extensive review of the literature about
    bias, discrimination and obesity. They concluded, ¡§There is a clear
    and consistent scientific literature showing pervasive bias against
    overweight people. It is logical that the bias begets
    discrimination. There is now sufficient evidence of discrimination
    to suggest it may be powerful and occurs across important areas of
    living.¡¨

    Brownell and his colleagues followed up with a study on weight bias
    among health professionals specializing in obesity (Schwartz et al.,
    2003). The conclusion of the weight bias article is clear: ¡§Even
    professionals whose careers emphasize research or the clinical
    management of obesity show very strong weight bias, indicating
    pervasive and powerful stigma. Understanding the extent of anti-fat
    bias and the personal characteristics associated with it will aid in
    developing intervention strategies to ameliorate these damaging
    attitudes.¡¨

    In addressing obesity, research documents the importance of taking
    body image into account, especially among youth. Based on results
    from a population-based, longitudinal study with 2,500 teens,
    Neumark-Sztainer and colleagues at the University of Minnesota
    (2006) concluded that to prevent obesity and eating disorders, the
    focus needs to be on health much more than weight. Indeed, results
    from this study underscore that the more weight per se is talked
    about, the more likely teens are to adopt dangerous dieting
    behaviors. Labeling a person of any age as obese ¡V especially a
    child or adolescent ¡V is strongly pejorative and counterproductive.

    This is not simply a matter of political correctness. It is about
    the critical need to create environments in which children and
    adolescents do not feel shame or guilt about their bodies but,
    rather, are motivated to enjoy healthful eating and active living
    habits regardless of their body size or shape.

    Whereas, we believe that health is composed of physical,
    psychological, and social components, we call upon U.S. Government
    agencies including the Department of Health and Human Services (CDC,
    HRSA, and other offices) and the Department of Agriculture to reject
    the recommendation of the Expert Committee on the Assessment,
    Prevention and Treatment of Child and Adolescent Overweight and
    Obesity to classify certain children and adolescents as obese. We
    are aware that ¡§obese¡¨ and ¡§obesity¡¨ were initially medical terms
    used to describe an excess of body fat. However, they have become
    stigmatizing and the basis for widespread discrimination and bias
    against youth and adults. In light of documented pervasive bias and
    discrimination against larger individuals by people in all segments
    of society, including many in health care, the terms ¡§obese¡¨
    and ¡§obesity¡¨ should be abandoned and more constructive and less
    value-laden descriptors developed and adopted.
    Latner JD, Stunkard AJ. Getting worse: The stigmatization of obese
    children. Obesity Research. 2003;11(3):452-456.
    Neumark-Sztainer D, Wall M, Guo J, Story M, Haines J, Eisenberg M.
    Obesity, disordered eating, and eating disorders in a longitudinal
    study of adolescents: How do dieters fair 5 years later? Journal of
    the American Dietetic Association. 2006;106(4):559-568.
    Puhl R, Brownell KD. Bias, discrimination, and obesity. Obesity
    Research. 2001;9(12):788-805.
    Schwartz MB, Chambliss HO, Brownell KD, Blair SN, Billington C.
    Weight bias among health professionals specializing in obesity.
    Obesity Research. 2003;11(9);1033-1039.

    Leaders of the Weight Realities Division of the Society for
    Nutrition Education
    Judi Adams, MS, RD - Grain Foods Foundation
    Frances Berg, MS, - Healthy Weight Network
    Linda Benjamin Bobroff, PhD, RD, LD/N - Chair, Healthy Aging
    Division, Society for Nutrition Education
    Cindy Dallow, PhD, RD - University of Northern Colorado
    Geoffrey W. Greene, PhD, RD, LDN - University of Rhode Island
    Sharon Hoerr, PhD, RD - Michigan State University
    Joanne P. Ikeda, MA, RD - University of California¡VBerkeley
    Ann Macpherson-Sanchez, EdD - University of Puerto Rico, Mayaguez
    Campus
    Lisa Nicholson, PhD, RD - California Polytechnic State University,
    San Luis Obispo
    Amy D. Ozier, PhD, RD, LDN - Northern Illinois University
    Ellen Parham, PhD, MSEd, RD, LD, LCPC - Northern Illinois University
    Lynn Paul, EdD, RD - Montana State University
    Suzanne Pelican, MS, RD - University of Wyoming
    Paula Peters, PhD - Kansas State University
    Mary Kay Wardlaw, MS, - University of Wyoming
    Adrienne A. White, PhD, RD - University of Maine

    Association for Size Diversity and Health ¡V Board of Directors
    Dana Schuster, MS - President
    Joanne Ikeda, MA, RD - Secretary
    Cathy Miller - Treasurer
    Anne Kaplan, PhD, CPCC - Membership
    Deb Lemire - Nominations
    Ellyn Herb, PhD - At-Large Member
    Barbara Altman Bruno, PhD - Education Chair

    National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance ¡V Board of Directors
    Frances White, Co-chair
    Jason Docherty, Co-chair
    Carole Cullum, Treasurer/Finance Chair
    Marilyn Wann, Activism Chair
    Peggy Howell, Public Relations Chair
    Phyllis Warr, Chapters Chair
    Lisa Tealer, Health At Every Size (HAES) Specialist

    ——————————————————————–

    NAAFA website: http://www.naafa.org

  4. shopping mall Says:

    great post i love

  5. Lisa Klobucar Says:

    I am a big girl. I have always been a big girl. But I have always had a healthy outlook regarding myself. As the mom of two lovely young ladies I have made sure to instill in them a sense of pride in their appearance. However, I have also shown them that it’s ok NOT to be a size 2 or to be a “cookie-cutter” image of everyone they see. Not only is it impossible, it’s dangerous. Girls are damaging themselves with so-called “diets and drugs” As parents of these children look at how you project yourself to your daughters. If you aren’t happy with yourself, then your child will see that and mirror what is being presented to them.

  6. Moe Says:

    I think all these things make a difference and have an effect but I think the most hurtful things come from other children. I don’t remember anyone growing up who didn’t receive some kind of body/self image attack from someone else in the room. Children get many cues and behaviors from their parents.

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