6 Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World
October 1st, 2007 — Dr. Robyn Silverman
Six Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World
By Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kiss My Assets Column at Elegant Plus Magazine
[This article was first published in Bay State Parent magazine as a Parenting 1,2,3 article]
You probably wouldn’t believe it if you had heard it yourself. MaryBeth, a mother of three, came to me in a panic. Her daughter, Madeline, who had recently turned six years old, had been standing outside by the pool with her two friends, Hallie and Rachel, when the snubbing began. Marybeth witnessed Madeline’s two friends slapping their bellies and whispering to each other. Hallie spoke first. “You can’t be our friend anymore, Maddie, ‘cause you’re 55 pounds and we’re only 45 and 47 ½ pounds.” Rachel continued, “Yeah, 6 year olds like us shouldn’t weigh more than 50 pounds. If you are, it means you’re fat… and fat people are ugly.” At that, Madeline ran to her Mom, and whimpered, “Mommy, am I fat and ugly?” while the other girls jumped into the pool.
As a body image and child development specialist, I believe I have heard it all. Too fat. Too short. Too flat. Too big. Too scrawny. These stories, while plentiful, are never easy to hear.
We used to think that “fitting in” had mostly to do with how your personality meshes with your friends. But in today’s world, when everywhere from Hollywood to New York is preaching extreme thinness, “fitting in” seems to have more to do with how you appear on the outside rather than who you are the inside. And, unfortunately, those parents who thought that they didn’t have to worry about body image issues until their children became teens are being sideswiped in the head by a large dose of reality.
No child should ever feel that s/he is “worth less” because of how s/he looks. When it comes to society’s messages that “thin is in” and “fat is faulty” what can we do to help our children remember that it’s what’s inside that counts?
Tip 1. Show children that everyone comes in different sizes
Let them know that on the normal bell curve for weight, children fall in all different places. Some are lighter and some are heavier. It’s normal for children to gain weight at different rates and at different times during their childhood. Some shoot up like weeds and then gain weight while others gain weight and then grow taller. What’s important is that each child is healthy and active NOT that each child is at the average weight for his or her age group. Of course, if you’re concerned about your child’s weight or weight progression, contact your pediatrician for advice.
Tip 2. Don’t compare
Even within families, siblings will put on weight at different times and at different rates. Pointing out that one of your children is putting weight on faster or is heavier than another sibling, can be interpreted as a criticism that s/he is not fitting in to what is “normal.” Given societal messages regarding dieting and thinness, especially those delivered to young girls, it’s easy for children to interpret seemingly innocuous comparative comments as judgments of a child’s worth.
Tip 3. Watch the media that comes into your house
A lot of magazines and TV shows hail thin frames and denigrate bodies that are not thin enough according to Hollywood standards. When someone once said, “a picture’s worth a thousand words” they were right. Research shows that media has a large impact on the way children feel about themselves and how they judge others. If you see something that celebrates very thin figures or denigrates those who are not thin, talk about it and ask your children what their take is on the subject. TV shows and books that confirm that people come in all shapes and sizes, can also be extremely helpful. (I use a self-published book for my own presentations on this topic. If interested, please contact me directly through www.DrRobynSilverman.com)
Tip 4. Be aware of your own language and behaviors
If you’re hyper-focused on weight and looks, your child will pick up on it. As they say, “monkey see, monkey do.” You are your children’s role model and superhero. They want to be just like you and they want you to be proud of them. So when a parent looks in the mirror and says “yuck,” their children may wonder if you think the same thing about them. Young people follow your lead so be sure to show them what a healthy body image (not just a healthy lifestyle) looks like.
Tip 5. Expose them to different activities and people
When children have the opportunity to meet different kinds of people and do different activities, they learn about and develop strengths. Other people show them that children can be good at all different things and how someone looks does not determine their worth or their abilities. A wide array of activities like team sports, martial arts, hip-hop dance and drama can help children develop confidence in what they can do and who they can be without hyper-focusing on weight and appearance.
Tip 6. Stress your values
Raising your children to determine their true friends by who they are and not by how they look is helpful in several ways. First, they’ll attract people who think similarly. Second, they’ll be more apt to judge themselves by the strength of their values rather than how thin they are. And third, they’ll be less apt to surround themselves with people who base friendship on appearance.
But most of all, be patient and supportive. Be prepared for your children to change shape and size often during childhood. Growing up and out can be confusing and even anxiety-provoking for children who are trying to “fit in.” Helping all young people feel worthwhile, valued and capable, no matter what weight they are, is vital to the development of positive body image and self esteem.
| Body Image expert, Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman, is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents, adolescents, and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, parents, and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your child’s school or at your business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information. |
Popularity: 52% [?]
October 3rd, 2007 at 12:15 pm
“If you see something that celebrates very thin figures or denigrates those who are not thin, talk about it and ask your children what they’re take is on the subject.”
–grammar error in the above sentence, from Tip 3. They’re should be their.
October 4th, 2007 at 10:29 am
[…] Acá hay algunos consejos para que empieces la charla. […]
October 11th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Dear Colleagues,
We ask you to join us in rejecting the attempt to label large
children as “obese.” Attached please find a research-based call to
action prepared by leaders of the Weight Realities Division of the
Society for Nutrition Education, the National Association to Advance
Fat Acceptance, and the Association for Size Diversity and Health.
Please take the time to read it carefully. If you agree with the
contents, please forward the call to action to any or all of the
leaders listed below and/or to other individuals or organizations
with whom you think it is important to communicate. We would like
to reach as many people who care about the overall health of
children as possible. E-mail addresses are given below each list of
names to make it easier to cut-and-paste them into the “To” field of
an e-mail.
You will probably want to send a cover message saying that you
support this protest along with your name and any other identifying
information that you wish to share. It is important to do this as
soon as possible since the decision as to whether or not to adopt
this recommendation will be made in the near future.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
* Anand K. Parekh, Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary for Health
* Julie Gerberding, Director, CDC
* Kathleen Toomey, Director, Coordinating Center for Health
Promotion, CDC
* Janet Collins, Director, Center for Chronic Disease Prevention
and Health Promotion, CDC
* William Dietz, Director, Division of Nutrition, Physical
Activity
and Obesity
* Elizabeth Duke, Administrator, Health Resources and Services
Administration (HRSA)
* David E. Heppel, Division of Child, Adolescent, and Family
Health, HRSA
anand.parekh@hhs.gov,
julie.gerberding@cdc.hhs.gov,
kathleen.toomey@cdc.hhs.gov,
janet.collins@cdc.hhs.gov,
william.dietz@cdc.hhs.gov,
EDuke@hrsa.gov;
DHeppel@hrsa.gov
U.S. Department of Agriculture
* Nancy Johner, Undersecretary for Food, Nutrition, and Consumer
Services
* Judy Wilson, Director of Nutrition Services, Food and Nutrition
Service
* Colien Hefferan, Administrator, Cooperative State Research,
Education and Extension Service (CSREES)
nancy.johner@usda.gov;
judy.wilson@fns.usda.gov;
chefferan@csrees.usda.gov;
Organizations wishing to join this protest can contact:
jikeda@berkeley.edu
Joanne P. Ikeda, MA,RD
Nutritionist Emeritus
Nutritional Sciences Department
University of California
Berkeley, CA
A Call to Action: Reject Labeling Children & Adolescents as Obese
Sponsored by the Weight Realities Division of the Society for
Nutrition Education, the National Association to Advance Fat
Acceptance, and the Association for Size Diversity and Health
(www.sne.org, www.naafa.org, www.sizediversityandhealth.org)
The Expert Committee on the Assessment, Prevention and Treatment of
Child and Adolescent Overweight and Obesity was convened by the
American Medical Association, with funding from the U.S. Department
of Health and Human Services¡¦ Health Resources and Services
Administration (HRSA) and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(CDC). The deliberations about the committee¡¦s recommendations must
address two urgent questions:
ƒnAre the terms ¡§obese¡¨ and ¡§obesity¡¨ stigmatizing?
ƒnIf they are, why would health professionals choose to use
these terms in relationship to children and adolescents?
In their report, the committee states, ¡§Previously, the word ¡¥obese¡¦
was avoided with regard to children because of concerns about
stigma¡¨ (http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/site/free/hlsd0709.htm).
Apparently, the committee no longer considers this a major reason to
avoid use of the term ¡§obesity¡¨ in relationship to children and
adolescents. This is surprising since recent research shows that the
stigmatization of large children has increased by 40% over the last
30 years (Latner & Stunkard, 2003).
To justify labeling large children and adolescents as obese,
Reginald Washington, MD, panel spokesman and medical director of
Rocky Mountain Pediatric Cardiology in Denver, said, “The rest of
the world uses that terminology already.” Yes, the rest of the world
does use the term, and often in a stigmatizing way. In 2001, Puhl
and Brownell published an extensive review of the literature about
bias, discrimination and obesity. They concluded, ¡§There is a clear
and consistent scientific literature showing pervasive bias against
overweight people. It is logical that the bias begets
discrimination. There is now sufficient evidence of discrimination
to suggest it may be powerful and occurs across important areas of
living.¡¨
Brownell and his colleagues followed up with a study on weight bias
among health professionals specializing in obesity (Schwartz et al.,
2003). The conclusion of the weight bias article is clear: ¡§Even
professionals whose careers emphasize research or the clinical
management of obesity show very strong weight bias, indicating
pervasive and powerful stigma. Understanding the extent of anti-fat
bias and the personal characteristics associated with it will aid in
developing intervention strategies to ameliorate these damaging
attitudes.¡¨
In addressing obesity, research documents the importance of taking
body image into account, especially among youth. Based on results
from a population-based, longitudinal study with 2,500 teens,
Neumark-Sztainer and colleagues at the University of Minnesota
(2006) concluded that to prevent obesity and eating disorders, the
focus needs to be on health much more than weight. Indeed, results
from this study underscore that the more weight per se is talked
about, the more likely teens are to adopt dangerous dieting
behaviors. Labeling a person of any age as obese ¡V especially a
child or adolescent ¡V is strongly pejorative and counterproductive.
This is not simply a matter of political correctness. It is about
the critical need to create environments in which children and
adolescents do not feel shame or guilt about their bodies but,
rather, are motivated to enjoy healthful eating and active living
habits regardless of their body size or shape.
Whereas, we believe that health is composed of physical,
psychological, and social components, we call upon U.S. Government
agencies including the Department of Health and Human Services (CDC,
HRSA, and other offices) and the Department of Agriculture to reject
the recommendation of the Expert Committee on the Assessment,
Prevention and Treatment of Child and Adolescent Overweight and
Obesity to classify certain children and adolescents as obese. We
are aware that ¡§obese¡¨ and ¡§obesity¡¨ were initially medical terms
used to describe an excess of body fat. However, they have become
stigmatizing and the basis for widespread discrimination and bias
against youth and adults. In light of documented pervasive bias and
discrimination against larger individuals by people in all segments
of society, including many in health care, the terms ¡§obese¡¨
and ¡§obesity¡¨ should be abandoned and more constructive and less
value-laden descriptors developed and adopted.
Latner JD, Stunkard AJ. Getting worse: The stigmatization of obese
children. Obesity Research. 2003;11(3):452-456.
Neumark-Sztainer D, Wall M, Guo J, Story M, Haines J, Eisenberg M.
Obesity, disordered eating, and eating disorders in a longitudinal
study of adolescents: How do dieters fair 5 years later? Journal of
the American Dietetic Association. 2006;106(4):559-568.
Puhl R, Brownell KD. Bias, discrimination, and obesity. Obesity
Research. 2001;9(12):788-805.
Schwartz MB, Chambliss HO, Brownell KD, Blair SN, Billington C.
Weight bias among health professionals specializing in obesity.
Obesity Research. 2003;11(9);1033-1039.
Leaders of the Weight Realities Division of the Society for
Nutrition Education
Judi Adams, MS, RD - Grain Foods Foundation
Frances Berg, MS, - Healthy Weight Network
Linda Benjamin Bobroff, PhD, RD, LD/N - Chair, Healthy Aging
Division, Society for Nutrition Education
Cindy Dallow, PhD, RD - University of Northern Colorado
Geoffrey W. Greene, PhD, RD, LDN - University of Rhode Island
Sharon Hoerr, PhD, RD - Michigan State University
Joanne P. Ikeda, MA, RD - University of California¡VBerkeley
Ann Macpherson-Sanchez, EdD - University of Puerto Rico, Mayaguez
Campus
Lisa Nicholson, PhD, RD - California Polytechnic State University,
San Luis Obispo
Amy D. Ozier, PhD, RD, LDN - Northern Illinois University
Ellen Parham, PhD, MSEd, RD, LD, LCPC - Northern Illinois University
Lynn Paul, EdD, RD - Montana State University
Suzanne Pelican, MS, RD - University of Wyoming
Paula Peters, PhD - Kansas State University
Mary Kay Wardlaw, MS, - University of Wyoming
Adrienne A. White, PhD, RD - University of Maine
Association for Size Diversity and Health ¡V Board of Directors
Dana Schuster, MS - President
Joanne Ikeda, MA, RD - Secretary
Cathy Miller - Treasurer
Anne Kaplan, PhD, CPCC - Membership
Deb Lemire - Nominations
Ellyn Herb, PhD - At-Large Member
Barbara Altman Bruno, PhD - Education Chair
National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance ¡V Board of Directors
Frances White, Co-chair
Jason Docherty, Co-chair
Carole Cullum, Treasurer/Finance Chair
Marilyn Wann, Activism Chair
Peggy Howell, Public Relations Chair
Phyllis Warr, Chapters Chair
Lisa Tealer, Health At Every Size (HAES) Specialist
——————————————————————–
NAAFA website: http://www.naafa.org
October 16th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
great post i love
October 18th, 2007 at 8:27 am
I am a big girl. I have always been a big girl. But I have always had a healthy outlook regarding myself. As the mom of two lovely young ladies I have made sure to instill in them a sense of pride in their appearance. However, I have also shown them that it’s ok NOT to be a size 2 or to be a “cookie-cutter” image of everyone they see. Not only is it impossible, it’s dangerous. Girls are damaging themselves with so-called “diets and drugs” As parents of these children look at how you project yourself to your daughters. If you aren’t happy with yourself, then your child will see that and mirror what is being presented to them.
October 18th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
I think all these things make a difference and have an effect but I think the most hurtful things come from other children. I don’t remember anyone growing up who didn’t receive some kind of body/self image attack from someone else in the room. Children get many cues and behaviors from their parents.