Real women with Real bodies in the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

“I’m So With You on That. I am Too Fat” or A Mother’s View of Body Image from the Trenches

by Lisa Klobucar, Elegant Plus Magazine “Hello Gorgeous! Learning to Love Your Curves” Columnist

Poof! Summer’s over, did you enjoy it? The summer fun, the trips to the pools and parks? The family reunions, cookouts and fireworks…. I hope so, because it’s time for books, homework and of course Christmas is just around the corner. But that’s a whole other column.

In June, long before September makes her grand entrance I start planning and thinking about the upcoming school year. As a divorced mom of two girls I have always made it a staple of my house to show and instill in my girls the importance of a healthy self-esteem. Since children spend about 75% of their time at school with teachers and friends, it’s important that my girls know that they are loved; and, when they look in the mirror that they love what they see looking back a them too. I want them to feel secure with themselves. As we all know, peer pressure can change a child’s whole outlook not just about school but more importantly about how they see and project themselves.

During the summer something interesting happened. My house became the, “it” house. You know, the house where all the kids like to hang out. How and why this happened, who knows? My girls and I live in a small three bedroom townhouse. However, at any given point in time during the summer I had at least one or more extra children in my house. Now I am not some cool, easy going, laid back mom. My girls will tell you I am rather strict. Yet there are several little girls who have no problem being in my home, not only visiting and playing with my girls, but cleaning and straightening up the messes they make.

One very hot and fun filled weekend I had four giggling, “ohh he’s cute, let’s wear the same color” girls in my house. I was in a grocery store with my tribe, half-listening to them laugh and banter, discuss likes/dislikes about who is cute (by the way, Johnny Depp is hot all four agreed).  Suddenly one of the girls who is ten years old said, ” I need to lose ten pounds.” Then my eleven year old states, “I am so with you on that. I am too fat.” I stopped dead in my tracks, grocery cart and all, as all four girls promptly walked into me.

I turned and looked at them. All four are different, shapes, sizes, colors… all beautiful, smiling and for the most part happy. I looked at the two oldest girls and asked, “Why do you think you are fat and need to lose weight?” I was very interested to hear what their answers might be, especially since one of the two who thought she was fat was my own child. The ten year old stated that her mother was always lamenting to her and whoever else would listen that she (the mom) was too fat and needed to lose ten pounds. I immediately saw that the mother of this child had transferred her own poor self image onto her child, a child that was and is still growing and developing.

I then asked my own daughter, why she thought she was fat. My daughter asked if she and could talk about it later. I said, “Of course, “  making sure that they all knew I wasn’t upset, just very interested in their answers. Later that evening as the girls were getting ready to go to sleep for the night, my daughter came into my room and we talked. She said that she didn’t think she was fat, but she wanted to support her friend. She said that her friend is always complaining about her weight. Now I will have you know that the ten year old is thin and wears a girls size 12, all very right for her body and size. My daughter however, trying to be a good friend and be supportive thought that agreeing with her friend on being fat would somehow ease the ten year old’s dislike of herself.

The next day after all the girls had gone home, I asked my daughter, “What do you see when you look in the mirror?” Of course I get the, “Oh mom, do I have to answer this now” statement. But she walked to the full length mirror in the hall and said, “I’m cute. I have great hair, a dazzling smile.”  I asked her, do you really think you are fat? My daughter said, “No” but she went on to add that she has seen kids who are built smaller than she is get teased because of their weight.

This school year my oldest enters junior high. This will certainly be a test of wills for both my daughter and myself. Girls around this time tend to change, due to hormones and other developments that are going on. Cliques come into play. The issue of being popular also starts to rear it’s head. And we cannot forget that boys start to notice girls and vice versa. My daughter’s sense of self will be tested, I am sure. While I have done my best to prepare my daughter for what may or may not happen. In the end it will be up to her to decide how she will handle and carry herself with her peers. I have always been a big girl. I was a BBW, before the term BBW was even brought into existence. If nothing else, I believe that as a parent I lead by example. I have always let my girls see me as I am -  a beautiful, confident woman with no self deprecation in constant fat, diet and weight-loss talk.  I think that is one of the best things I can do  to let them know that no one body is “perfect” and that is OK.  I also have faith in my oldest. She is like me in many respects. The girl has chutzpah and moxy, OY!

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