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October 4, 2007

“I’m So With You on That. I am Too Fat”

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Real women with Real bodies in the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

“I’m So With You on That. I am Too Fat” or A Mother’s View of Body Image from the Trenches

by Lisa Klobucar, Elegant Plus Magazine “Hello Gorgeous! Learning to Love Your Curves” Columnist

Poof! Summer’s over, did you enjoy it? The summer fun, the trips to the pools and parks? The family reunions, cookouts and fireworks…. I hope so, because it’s time for books, homework and of course Christmas is just around the corner. But that’s a whole other column.

In June, long before September makes her grand entrance I start planning and thinking about the upcoming school year. As a divorced mom of two girls I have always made it a staple of my house to show and instill in my girls the importance of a healthy self-esteem. Since children spend about 75% of their time at school with teachers and friends, it’s important that my girls know that they are loved; and, when they look in the mirror that they love what they see looking back a them too. I want them to feel secure with themselves. As we all know, peer pressure can change a child’s whole outlook not just about school but more importantly about how they see and project themselves.

During the summer something interesting happened. My house became the, “it” house. You know, the house where all the kids like to hang out. How and why this happened, who knows? My girls and I live in a small three bedroom townhouse. However, at any given point in time during the summer I had at least one or more extra children in my house. Now I am not some cool, easy going, laid back mom. My girls will tell you I am rather strict. Yet there are several little girls who have no problem being in my home, not only visiting and playing with my girls, but cleaning and straightening up the messes they make.

One very hot and fun filled weekend I had four giggling, “ohh he’s cute, let’s wear the same color” girls in my house. I was in a grocery store with my tribe, half-listening to them laugh and banter, discuss likes/dislikes about who is cute (by the way, Johnny Depp is hot all four agreed).  Suddenly one of the girls who is ten years old said, ” I need to lose ten pounds.” Then my eleven year old states, “I am so with you on that. I am too fat.” I stopped dead in my tracks, grocery cart and all, as all four girls promptly walked into me.

I turned and looked at them. All four are different, shapes, sizes, colors… all beautiful, smiling and for the most part happy. I looked at the two oldest girls and asked, “Why do you think you are fat and need to lose weight?” I was very interested to hear what their answers might be, especially since one of the two who thought she was fat was my own child. The ten year old stated that her mother was always lamenting to her and whoever else would listen that she (the mom) was too fat and needed to lose ten pounds. I immediately saw that the mother of this child had transferred her own poor self image onto her child, a child that was and is still growing and developing.

I then asked my own daughter, why she thought she was fat. My daughter asked if she and could talk about it later. I said, “Of course, “  making sure that they all knew I wasn’t upset, just very interested in their answers. Later that evening as the girls were getting ready to go to sleep for the night, my daughter came into my room and we talked. She said that she didn’t think she was fat, but she wanted to support her friend. She said that her friend is always complaining about her weight. Now I will have you know that the ten year old is thin and wears a girls size 12, all very right for her body and size. My daughter however, trying to be a good friend and be supportive thought that agreeing with her friend on being fat would somehow ease the ten year old’s dislike of herself.

The next day after all the girls had gone home, I asked my daughter, “What do you see when you look in the mirror?” Of course I get the, “Oh mom, do I have to answer this now” statement. But she walked to the full length mirror in the hall and said, “I’m cute. I have great hair, a dazzling smile.”  I asked her, do you really think you are fat? My daughter said, “No” but she went on to add that she has seen kids who are built smaller than she is get teased because of their weight.

This school year my oldest enters junior high. This will certainly be a test of wills for both my daughter and myself. Girls around this time tend to change, due to hormones and other developments that are going on. Cliques come into play. The issue of being popular also starts to rear it’s head. And we cannot forget that boys start to notice girls and vice versa. My daughter’s sense of self will be tested, I am sure. While I have done my best to prepare my daughter for what may or may not happen. In the end it will be up to her to decide how she will handle and carry herself with her peers. I have always been a big girl. I was a BBW, before the term BBW was even brought into existence. If nothing else, I believe that as a parent I lead by example. I have always let my girls see me as I am -  a beautiful, confident woman with no self deprecation in constant fat, diet and weight-loss talk.  I think that is one of the best things I can do  to let them know that no one body is “perfect” and that is OK.  I also have faith in my oldest. She is like me in many respects. The girl has chutzpah and moxy, OY!

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September 5, 2007

Fat… So? : Promoting health AND size-acceptance

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Fat… So? 

Human beings come in all sizes.  How can we promote health …. and size-acceptance in our schools?

by  Camille Jackson of Tolerance.org
Reprinted with permission at Elegant Plus Magazine

As the “War on Obesity” heats  up, in schools across the country kids who are heavier than their classmates experience size bias and even outright bullying from peers and adults.  And, school health programs can sometimes hurt more than they help. Experts from the size-acceptance community, whose views are often omitted from health debates, offer a fresh perspective: eat healthy foods, stay active, and don’t worry about your weight and size.

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 Article title based on Marilyn Wann’s book,  
  Fat! So? Because You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size

 ”I’m the biggest in my family and I have the best cholesterol and blood sugar,” announces Kevin, a junior at Sequoia High School in Redwood City, Calif. He has just walked an extra-long distance for a late lunch of salad topped with grilled chicken strips and ranch dressing, followed by chocolate chip cookies. He came to the school’s Teen Resource Center to make a point about stereotypes.

“I play three sports, I ride my bike, I walk everywhere and I’m still the same size,” he says, insisting his health is better than some of his thinner classmates.

Looking at his larger-than-average size, some doubt Kevin is as healthy as he claims. But Marlene Schwartz, co-director of the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders, says it’s quite likely Kevin’s weight may not negatively affect his health.

“I believe if a child is eating a nutritionally balanced diet and is active, if he or she has a higher BMI [body mass index], it doesn’t matter,” says Schwartz.

Schwartz routinely hears people say, “If only fat people worked harder, they would lose weight.” But she and others challenge the hysteria surrounding the global “obesity epidemic,” which defines 17 percent of children age 2 to 19 as overweight.

Paul Campos, author of The Obesity Myth, argues that Americans are, in general, only 15 pounds heavier than they were 20 years ago. It is public health standards, not our bodies, that have changed, becoming more rigid in defining the majority of Americans as “overweight.”

That news is small consolation for students subjected to harassment and prejudice, sometimes unrelentingly, from peers and teachers because they are heavier than others. Many have been frightened into hating their bodies by grim medical reports about childhood obesity. Too many believe that dieting is the only solution, even though study after study shows dieting doesn’t work.

Michael Loewy, a psychology professor at the University of North Dakota, paints an unsettling picture in his essay Working with Fat Children in Schools: “It is amazing that so many fat children survive adolescence, given the hatred and meanness directed at them.”

‘I Put Myself Down’

At Sequoia High School’s Teen Resource Center, Dana Schuster, a speaker with the Health at Every Size program, has gathered a group of students to discuss how the war on obesity has taken a toll on their self-esteem.

“In my family they tell me, ‘You’d look nice if you were smaller,’” says Celia, 15.

“I think I put myself down more than anyone,” adds Rachel, 18, referring to the negative thoughts filling her head about her size.

One girl says she’s more confident and accepting of herself now that she’s in high school, yet she’s just finished a juice fast, essentially starving herself. “I felt good. I lost the 10 pounds,” she says.

Naomi, 16, listens quietly to other students’ comments about the frustrations of gym class and clothes shopping. Then she says simply, “It hurts when you weigh a lot.”

Victims of size discrimination often suffer from depression, anxiety and loneliness. They may also suffer from low self-esteem, voluntarily serving as the butt of jokes — the stereotypical funny fat kid.

“If they say things to you, it doesn’t matter,” says Max, one of two boys in the group, shrugging his shoulders. Max says he responds to insults with humor.

Naomi does, too. But she also has a more straightforward comeback: “I tell them, ‘It’s my body; if you don’t like it, don’t look at it.’”

ALL sizes

Children learn anti-fat attitudes from many sources, including adults who talk negatively about their own bodies or who allow size-based teasing to go unchecked.

“A lot of people who don’t have this [size] difference aren’t aware how painful it can be,” says Frances Berg, a nutritionist and international authority on weight and eating based in North Dakota. “When someone tells a fat joke, the response should not be to laugh, or even to be silent.”

Many students say teachers or other adults rarely speak up about size bias, embracing the myth that thin always is better than fat.

It’s a myth some see the medical community presenting as fact.

“If one already prejudges fat people as gluttonous or lazy, it is not very difficult to think that they are also sick,” writes J. Eric Oliver in Fat Politics. That means even a visit to the school nurse doesn’t feel safe for some fat kids who are used to the medical community trying to “fix” their size.

Connie Sobczak, executive director of Body Positive, a nonprofit based in Berkeley, Calif., that helps teens with body issues, says the medical community does a disservice to thin kids by focusing solely on kids who are overweight.

“There are so many [children of all sizes] who aren’t eating well, and not [being active],” Sobczak says. “We ignore all those children, then we focus and shame the fat children.”

Size-related stereotypes, of course, work both ways — against fat and thin kids.

“We can’t just talk about it as an issue for fat kids. The ones who are ‘perfect’ get overlooked, too. It’s hard for them to talk about being blond and thin and looking like Barbie,” says Debora Burgard, a California psychotherapist and creator of BodyPositive.com (unrelated to the Body Positive group in Berkeley). “They have a stereotyping problem, too.”

Those prone to believe one stereotype often are prone to embrace other stereotypes, as well.

“In fact,” writes Oliver in Fat Politics, “people who have strong anti-fat attitudes also tend to be more hostile toward minorities and the poor.”

Stigma-by-association also exists. A recent study by British psychologist Jason Halford shows that prejudice against fat people is so strong that biases are also formed against people who associate with fat people.

Fear of Fat

Responding to concerns about childhood obesity, John S. Martinez School in New Haven, Conn., was one of the first K-8 public schools in its district to rid its campus of junk food. Last year the school hosted a pilot program introducing more physical activity, healthier cafeteria foods and nutrition education.

The inner-city school with predominantly Latino students offers swim classes using the school’s state-of-the-art pool. Students also can earn 30 to 45 extra minutes of gym class each day. The school’s health clinic monitors each child’s health and weight loss.

One physical education teacher says she sees the effects of the obesity epidemic firsthand, with younger children being diagnosed with hypertension, diabetes and elevated cholesterol levels.

“Most of them get on the scales without problems,” she says, but for other students the process is “stressful” and “hard to approach.” She contacts parents to discuss the best ways to intervene.

One winter afternoon, with snowflakes swirling outside the windows, several 7th- and 8th-graders gather at the school to talk about what happens when their parents get that kind of call.

“I hate it,” says Michelle, 13. “My mother makes me drink diet soda.”

The 8th-graders say all these efforts to get or keep them thin — eliminating vending machines, serving salads for lunch, increasing their gym time — have increased their fear rather than reduced their weight.

Twelve-year-old Arianna worries about high cholesterol. The message she gets from her parents and her doctor is that she must lose weight to get healthy. “I get depressed if I think about it too much,” she says. When she’s depressed, Arianna confesses, she sneaks Snickers and Milky Ways.

Emily worries her extra weight could lead to a heart attack. “I’m not going to be big in high school,” says the 12-year-old, shaking her head from side to side. “No, I’m going to go on a diet.”

Focus on fitness, not weight

In 2003, Arkansas was the first state to require schools to chart its students’ BMIs. Three years later, the state’s percentage of heavy school children remains the same: 38 percent. But another statistic has emerged: 13 percent of parents reported that their children had been teased because of the new program, according to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Weighing children regularly does not help them become thin, says Miriam Berg, president of the national Council on Size & Weight Discrimination. Berg believes promoting weight loss as public policy is misguided for three reasons:

  • the policy targets fat kids and promotes discrimination against them;
  • teaches all kids that fatness should be avoided at all costs, resulting in dangerous diet practices and eating disorders; and
  • ignores the nutritional, exercise and health needs of kids who are average weight or thinner than average.

Instead of forced weighings and BMI checks that focus all attention on heavier kids, Schwartz, of the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders, says schools should develop creative ways to get all students more active. She suggests PE classes that emphasize different choices of movement, not just team sports.

Laura Perdikomatis, chair of Woodside High School’s physical education department in Woodside, Calif., couldn’t agree more.

“I think we’re turning them off,” she says, of mandated fitness tests that are harder for larger students to complete.

She says coaches, who often use running as a punishment, sometimes stand in the way of progress. Perdikomatis has heard a group of PE teachers, for example, laugh at the very concept of Health At Every Size.

“They think everyone should be the same size,” she says.

Perdikomatis just received a grant to furnish her high school’s fitness center with games like the interactive “Dance, Dance, Revolution” and a stationary bike/Play Station II combination. The equipment is not only fun, Perdikomatis says, but it also puts the focus on heart rate rather than on the mechanics of a fitness test.

Frances Berg, founder of the Healthy Weight Journal, says that’s the way it should be.

“It’s important to practice healthy habits no matter how much you weigh,” Berg says. “It’s not the weight; it’s how active you are. (And) kids have to enjoy what they’re doing, or else it won’t work.”

_______________________________________

 Teaching Tolerance’s educational kits and subscriptions to its magazine are FREE to: classroom teachers, school librarians, school counselors, school administrators, professors of education, leaders of homeschool networks, youth directors at houses of worship and employees of youth-serving nonprofit organizations.

More size-acceptance resources from Tolerance.org include:

 

Tips For Teachers
People usually think about diversity in terms of ethnicity, class, gender and ability. Fat children also have a unique perspective on the world. Learn to see fat children as a valid part of diversity

 

LABELS: The ‘O’ Words
The size acceptance community embraces the label “fat” over words like “obese” and “overweight.”

 

Kids Come In All Sizes
Use this workshop to teach all students to feel good about their bodies.

 

This Story at Work
Do you possess anti-fat biases? Take a free, confidential online and find out what’s lurking in your subconscious. After taking the test, try to identify steps you can take to offset or minimize biases you may hold related to size or other factors.

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July 15, 2007

Back-to-School Shopping Battle: Is “Fit” the new “F” word?

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Kiss My Assets: Self-Esteem and Body Image
Back to School Shopping Battle: Is “Fit” the new “F” word?

by Dr. Robyn Silverman for Elegant Plus Magazine

New classes. New clients. New clothes.

Back to school time can bring up the anxiety levels of most everyone. Being in a routine can be wonderful but restarting a routine can be nerve-racking. Once we emerge from our summer stupors where life seems a bit slower and people are decidedly more lax, September hits us like a fist to the head. All of a sudden, it’s business as usual and school as expected. It’s about meeting new people, seeing old friends, and dealing with feeling that you have been here before but somehow, all of the rules have changed. The newness mixed with questionable familiarity breeds anxiety about how we look, what we are wearing and how we size up. So back-to -school shopping can be more like a battle than bliss—when “fit” is the proverbial “f” word.

I remember when I was about 15 years old. I was out shopping with my mother when we bumped into Jessica, the girl who had “stolen” my boyfriend during the previous year at the same time that she had “stolen” my part in the annual musical theater production. She was way too cute and over-the-top perky. Was I bitter? I couldn’t stand her and yet I admired her vehemently. Everything she tried on seemed to look perfect on her. In my eyes, I couldn’t measure up. The mirror wasn’t allowing me to see anything different—or perhaps—I wasn’t allowing myself to see anything different. I went into the dressing room and burst into tears. We have to remember as adults that while a size is just a size, it has a lot more impact when you are dealing with feelings of fitting in—not just fit—at back to school time.

How can we put back to school shopping into a more favorable light?

  1. Discuss sizing discrepancies with the girls you love: While we have heard it before, sizes aren’t consistent from one designer to another—what is a 10 in some stores is a 14 in others. Clothing stylists tell us that vanity sizes are rampant and you can not really discern your true size from any one pair of pants. Manufacturers think they have us pegged, ladies. With self-confidence and body image wound so tightly together, girls and women may be less likely to purchase clothing in a larger size than they think they should be. After all, up to 80% of young women believe that they are overweight and feel “fat” even when they are of average weight. Although we may know it is exactly the same size whether it says 6, 10, or 16 in all these different stores, the number on our clothing can really do a number on us psychologically. We hold these sizes up like score cards on how we are doing in mastering Beauty 101. Can we let someone else determine our self worth just by sowing a size into the seat of our pants?

  2. Go to stores that fit the person, don’t try to fit the person into the store: Believe it or not, there are more plus-size women and girls than there are stores in the world. Manufacturers are starting to put out plus-size clothing lines that are trendy and exciting so that plus size women and girls can wear stylish clothing just like the straight size girls. It can be frustrating for anyone to go to a store where it seems unlikely that the clothes will fit correctly. As a short person of 5’3”, I know that venturing into certain stores would leave me stepping on about 6 inches of fabric—so why bother? Go to the stores that cater to the body of the person you are trying to fit—even if the driving distance is a little bit further than “just down the street.” It will be worth it.

  3. Talk about health at any size: No size on its own necessarily means healthy. Someone can be a size 6 and feed their body junk food all the time, and someone else can be a size 16 and nourish their body with the best quality organic foods. If you are exercising your body and making good food choices, you can probably earn a clean bill of health from the doctor. Truly, some bodies do not have the ability to be as small as a 4 or a 6 no matter how little eaten or how much exercise done. I was speaking to one of my favorite plus-size models the other night who told me that at her very lowest weight (in high school) she was a size 8. She finally realized during her junior year that her body could never be smaller than that and in fact, if she was being honest with herself, she had presently looked like a rail. She was barely eating - “dieting” - and when she did eat, she felt horribly guilty about it. This is not health, is it? She knows now that her body is much healthier and comfortable at a size 12—so that is where she is today. When is your body—or your daughter’s body—at its healthiest size?

  4. Dress the body you have beautifully: Over and over again I hear the same things from the plus size women in the modeling industry who I coach or interview each week. “Buy clothes that make you feel beautiful,” “Wear clothes that make you look beautiful,” “Be stylish and appear well put together.” Picture two plus-size girls on the first day of school. The first is dressed to the nines—with trendy pants and a gorgeous colorful top that shows off her curves in a very flattering and understated way. Her hair is styled, her make-up is subtle but becoming, and she knows she looks good. The second has thrown on the first thing she saw at the end of the bed—the pants are two sizes too big and the drab black top is even bigger than that. She has a hat on her head and she could care less what she looks like or how she is perceived. The first girl attracts exactly what she puts out—confident girls of all sizes who know that they deserve to treat themselves well. A fabulous “feedback” loop occurs which means that (1) She puts out a vibe that says that she is confident and feels good about her looks, (2) People read her as confident and looking good, (3) She receives nonverbal feedback from others that lets her know people believe she is confident and looks good, (4) Her confidence is reinforced, (5) Again, she puts out the vibe that she is confident and feels good about her looks. What do you think the second girl’s feedback loop looks like?

If all else fails, cut out those pesky little tags in the back of your pants or have someone else do it for you. We don’t want to put such high stakes into a ½ cent piece of cotton with a number on it. We are worth a lot more than that, aren’t we?

Additional Resources:

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Dr. Robyn Silverman is a success coach and body image expert who can help you to achieve your goals at any age. For more information, go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com.  Share your thoughts about this column below - she’d love to hear what you think!

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