Kiss My Assets Column at Elegant Plus Magazine

Creating  Powerful Girls

by Dr. Robyn Silverman

It’s that time again. The diet commercials are in full force which can only mean two things; bathing suit season is right around the corner and nationwide body image is getting ready to plummet. Many adults worry that between all the talk about buff bodies and diet plans, girls will slip into a self esteem slump. How can we help girls to elevate their self worth without needing to go on and on about loving your body?

Confidence and self worth, both positive and negative, can influence how a person feels, thinks, and acts throughout childhood and adulthood. Those who have strong feelings of confidence and high self worth will feel more positive about themselves, think more positively, and act and behave more positively than those who have low self confidence and low self worth. In addition, girls with strong feelings of confidence and high self worth will like who they see in the mirror each day and know that they are worthy of love.

Girls are looking to the women in their lives to show them the ropes. Whether you are a parent, big sister, teacher, or friend of a girl, you can inspire girls to become confident in themselves by following these tips:

Help them to realize her unique gifts:

Everyone is talented or special in some way. While we are not all little Einsteins or mini- Monets, everyone has something to offer. Let her know that you appreciate their gifts. Allow her to show you what she can do—without doing it for her! She will get better with time. Hang up artwork, projects, or awards that exhibit these gifts so that your child knows that you value her special talents. Creating a Wall of Fame will allow her to see all of her accomplishments.

Be present:

When a girl is sharing new knowledge or new gifts, pay attention! This is the time to shut off the TV and the cell phone. When you do this, she will know that she is important and worthy of your undivided attention.

Don’t over-praise:

You can let her know that she is special without over-praising. Not everything she does is worthy of the Wall of Fame. She can’t always be super, perfect and fantastic. When you praise a girl when praise is due, she will know you are being genuine and that she has really done a good job.

Be a RAD role model (Reliable, Accountable, and Dependable):

While you may not always be available when she needs you, create a pattern of responsiveness and responsibility. Be on time, be reliable, and follow through with what you say you are going to do. When you are a RAD role model, she will know that she can count on you and that she is worthy of your follow through. She will also learn what it means to be a positive role model to others.

Praise effort:

It may be easy to focus on a high mark on a paper or a gold medal, but it’s really important to praise effort instead of results. When a girl knows that she has worked hard and that hard work is praised, she will likely keep putting in the effort to make the accomplishment. When we are results driven, failure can stop us in our tracks and make us give up for fear of failing once again.

When we take the time to instill confidence in girls, they become a little bit stronger everyday. Then they can call upon that strength when they are feeling low or bombarded with negative, body-bashing messages. The strength of positive mentors carries on even when you’re not around!

Until next time (and the next 5 tips)!

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About the Author

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, businesses and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your school or business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information.

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Fitting in While Standing Out:
7 Tips to Cope with your Child’s Need to be “Perfect” in a Win-at-All-Costs World

by Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kiss My Assets Columnist for Elegant Plus Magazine

It was one of those moments when your mouth just hangs open. Joanne, mother of Tina, age 6, wrote to me in disbelief. “My daughter’s cheerleading coach told her that she needs to slim down if she wants to be a winner. Tina just cried. When I spoke to the coach she told me, ‘these girls need to be able to fit into these cute little outfits. (She showed me one). There is nothing cute about bulges and bumps on six year old girls…even if you call it baby fat.”

Sports can be a wonderful way for children to grow, learn, and develop as individuals, teammates, and leaders. But as parents, coaches, and educators we need to be very careful. Our weight-related behaviors, assumptions, and comments can have an incredible effect on a child’s body esteem, health, and long term feelings of self worth. Both boys and girls of every weight group can be affected.

With girls, involvement in aesthetic sports like gymnastics, figure skating, cheerleading, dance, and swimming, can have an impact on a child’s body esteem if coaches or parents are insensitive about looks and weight. Attire can be revealing, competition can invite body-oriented comments, involvement can be contingent on “fitting” a certain stereotype, and high scores can be dependant on body size and weight. 

Plenty of parents have come to me after their instructor told them that their child didn’t have the right body for ballet or the coach told them that “chubby girls don’t win competitions.” Others have told me of the embarrassment their children face when their weights are posted in front of everyone in the spirit of “dieting by peer pressure.”

Girls have complained about their fear of getting their period because they feel that their chosen sport frowns upon curves and breasts. Many admit to weight loss strategies even at a young age. Pressure to “fit in” to the perfect body standard can be linked to improper dieting, over-exercising, delayed physical maturation, laxative use, purging (vomiting), and eating disorders. 

Boys can suffer from poor body esteem just like girls. Involvement in weight class competition sports like wrestling and boxing, contact sports like football or hockey, or weight sensitive sports like cycling or running can invite body scrutiny. A child might learn from teammates that rapid weight loss is customary in preparation for a weight-class-based competition. Boys participating in contact sports might feel pressure to “bulk up.” Still others involved in weight sensitive sports like cycling or running, in which low weight can give you a competitive-edge, may feel pressure to senselessly diet or use performance-enhancing drugs to keep up. Some coaches may not know what’s going on or simply choose to turn the other way.

As parents, what can we do?

1. Evaluate your own thoughts: Do you have a “win-at-all-costs” attitude? If so, you may be sending a message to your child that s/he needs to do whatever it takes to win, even if that means unnecessary dieting, bulking up, or using performance-enhancing drugs. Keep winning in perspective and remember the real reason your child is involved in sports.
2. Talk to your child: Be sure s/he understands your feelings about winning-at-all-costs and the dangers that can invite. Put “perfect” in perspective. Let your child know that if s/he ever feels pressured to alter his or her body in any way, to come talk to you.
3. Interview the coach: Whether you are dealing with an after-school program or an in-school extra-curricular, you have a right to interview the coach privately. You might ask the coach about his or her opinions regarding weight, weigh-ins, dieting, uniforms, winning, puberty, nutrition, performance-enhancing drugs, and coaching philosophy. How does s/he convey his or her views to the children?
4. Build character: If you start teaching character-building skills while your children young, they will take those lessons of self-respect, assertiveness, leadership, and confidence with them into any activity they do. Teach these lessons at home and find a sports program or activity program that integrates character education into their lesson plans each week. This way, your children will understand that sports are more about building character than about fitting into the ideal body type.
5. Avoid Comparisons: As parents and coaches we need to be careful of comparing our children’s body shapes and weights to others. Our children should be focused on making themselves better rather than being thinner or more muscular than someone else. Every child matures at a different rate. Maturation invites weight gain that is both normal and healthy. When we compare our children based on body size and shape it can be both hurtful and destructive.
6. Talk to a doctor: If a coach has asked a child to get on a special diet of any kind, speak to your pediatrician or pediatric nutritionist. Children need a certain number of calories, protein, fluid intake, carbohydrate, and vitamins for normal growth and health.
7. Ensure developmental sensitivity: If your pubescent daughter is involved with an activity in which the “perfect body” for competition is thought to be a prepubescent one, be sure that her coach is sensitive to normal maturation changes. Similarly, if your son is involved in a sport in which the “ideal body” is a mature muscular one, be sure that the coach is sensitive to varying rates of growth and body types. How is body size and shape handled in these situations? How are children made to feel when it comes to these maturational factors that they can not control?

There is a wide array of sports and activities for children of all ages. Many sports and after-school centers offer wonderful programs with long-lasting benefits. A great coach can be a mentor, a friend, a leader, and an inspiration. However, children are impressionable. Even subtle messages about weight and shape in these athletic arenas can impact our children’s behavior, body esteem and feelings of self worth. Doing a little preventative homework and being clear about your own views can ensure a positive experience for everyone.

© Dr. Robyn Siliverman: Please do not reprint in any form - electronic or print - without permission from the author.

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This article first appeared in Baystate Parent Magazine . Reprinted with permission at Elegant Plus Magazine.

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About the Author

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, businesses and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your school or business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information.

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Six Tips to Help your Child Cope with Feeling Fat in a “Thin is In” World

By Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kiss My Assets Column at Elegant Plus Magazine

[This article was first published in Bay State Parent magazine as a Parenting 1,2,3 article]

You probably wouldn’t believe it if you had heard it yourself. MaryBeth, a mother of three, came to me in a panic. Her daughter, Madeline, who had recently turned six years old, had been standing outside by the pool with her two friends, Hallie and Rachel, when the snubbing began. Marybeth witnessed Madeline’s two friends slapping their bellies and whispering to each other. Hallie spoke first. “You can’t be our friend anymore, Maddie, ‘cause you’re 55 pounds and we’re only 45 and 47 ½ pounds.” Rachel continued, “Yeah, 6 year olds like us shouldn’t weigh more than 50 pounds. If you are, it means you’re fat… and fat people are ugly.” At that, Madeline ran to her Mom, and whimpered, “Mommy, am I fat and ugly?” while the other girls jumped into the pool.

As a body image and child development specialist, I believe I have heard it all. Too fat. Too short. Too flat. Too big. Too scrawny. These stories, while plentiful, are never easy to hear. 

We used to think that “fitting in” had mostly to do with how your personality meshes with your friends. But in today’s world, when everywhere from Hollywood to New York is preaching extreme thinness, “fitting in” seems to have more to do with how you appear on the outside rather than who you are the inside. And, unfortunately, those parents who thought that they didn’t have to worry about body image issues until their children became teens are being sideswiped in the head by a large dose of reality. 

No child should ever feel that s/he is “worth less” because of how s/he looks. When it comes to society’s messages that “thin is in” and “fat is faulty” what can we do to help our children remember that it’s what’s inside that counts?

Tip 1. Show children that everyone comes in different sizes

Let them know that on the normal bell curve for weight, children fall in all different places. Some are lighter and some are heavier. It’s normal for children to gain weight at different rates and at different times during their childhood. Some shoot up like weeds and then gain weight while others gain weight and then grow taller. What’s important is that each child is healthy and active NOT that each child is at the average weight for his or her age group. Of course, if you’re concerned about your child’s weight or weight progression, contact your pediatrician for advice.

Tip 2. Don’t compare

Even within families, siblings will put on weight at different times and at different rates. Pointing out that one of your children is putting weight on faster or is heavier than another sibling, can be interpreted as a criticism that s/he is not fitting in to what is “normal.” Given societal messages regarding dieting and thinness, especially those delivered to young girls, it’s easy for children to interpret seemingly innocuous comparative comments as judgments of a child’s worth.

Tip 3. Watch the media that comes into your house

A lot of magazines and TV shows hail thin frames and denigrate bodies that are not thin enough according to Hollywood standards. When someone once said, “a picture’s worth a thousand words” they were right. Research shows that media has a large impact on the way children feel about themselves and how they judge others. If you see something that celebrates very thin figures or denigrates those who are not thin, talk about it and ask your children what their take is on the subject. TV shows and books that confirm that people come in all shapes and sizes, can also be extremely helpful. (I use a self-published book for my own presentations on this topic. If interested, please contact me directly through www.DrRobynSilverman.com)

Tip 4. Be aware of your own language and behaviors

 If you’re hyper-focused on weight and looks, your child will pick up on it. As they say, “monkey see, monkey do.” You are your children’s role model and superhero. They want to be just like you and they want you to be proud of them. So when a parent looks in the mirror and says “yuck,” their children may wonder if you think the same thing about them. Young people follow your lead so be sure to show them what a healthy body image (not just a healthy lifestyle) looks like.

Tip 5. Expose them to different activities and people

 When children have the opportunity to meet different kinds of people and do different activities, they learn about and develop strengths. Other people show them that children can be good at all different things and how someone looks does not determine their worth or their abilities. A wide array of activities like team sports, martial arts, hip-hop dance and drama can help children develop confidence in what they can do and who they can be without hyper-focusing on weight and appearance.

Tip 6. Stress your values

 Raising your children to determine their true friends by who they are and not by how they look is helpful in several ways. First, they’ll attract people who think similarly. Second, they’ll be more apt to judge themselves by the strength of their values rather than how thin they are. And third, they’ll be less apt to surround themselves with people who base friendship on appearance.

But most of all, be patient and supportive. Be prepared for your children to change shape and size often during childhood. Growing up and out can be confusing and even anxiety-provoking for children who are trying to “fit in.” Helping all young people feel worthwhile, valued and capable, no matter what weight they are, is vital to the development of positive body image and self esteem.

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Kiss My Assets: Self-Esteem and Body Image
Back to School Shopping Battle: Is “Fit” the new “F” word?

by Dr. Robyn Silverman for Elegant Plus Magazine

New classes. New clients. New clothes.

Back to school time can bring up the anxiety levels of most everyone. Being in a routine can be wonderful but restarting a routine can be nerve-racking. Once we emerge from our summer stupors where life seems a bit slower and people are decidedly more lax, September hits us like a fist to the head. All of a sudden, it’s business as usual and school as expected. It’s about meeting new people, seeing old friends, and dealing with feeling that you have been here before but somehow, all of the rules have changed. The newness mixed with questionable familiarity breeds anxiety about how we look, what we are wearing and how we size up. So back-to -school shopping can be more like a battle than bliss—when “fit” is the proverbial “f” word.

I remember when I was about 15 years old. I was out shopping with my mother when we bumped into Jessica, the girl who had “stolen” my boyfriend during the previous year at the same time that she had “stolen” my part in the annual musical theater production. She was way too cute and over-the-top perky. Was I bitter? I couldn’t stand her and yet I admired her vehemently. Everything she tried on seemed to look perfect on her. In my eyes, I couldn’t measure up. The mirror wasn’t allowing me to see anything different—or perhaps—I wasn’t allowing myself to see anything different. I went into the dressing room and burst into tears. We have to remember as adults that while a size is just a size, it has a lot more impact when you are dealing with feelings of fitting in—not just fit—at back to school time.

How can we put back to school shopping into a more favorable light?

1. Discuss sizing discrepancies with the girls you love: While we have heard it before, sizes aren’t consistent from one designer to another—what is a 10 in some stores is a 14 in others. Clothing stylists tell us that vanity sizes are rampant and you can not really discern your true size from any one pair of pants. Manufacturers think they have us pegged, ladies. With self-confidence and body image wound so tightly together, girls and women may be less likely to purchase clothing in a larger size than they think they should be. After all, up to 80% of young women believe that they are overweight and feel “fat” even when they are of average weight. Although we may know it is exactly the same size whether it says 6, 10, or 16 in all these different stores, the number on our clothing can really do a number on us psychologically. We hold these sizes up like score cards on how we are doing in mastering Beauty 101. Can we let someone else determine our self worth just by sowing a size into the seat of our pants?

2. Go to stores that fit the person, don’t try to fit the person into the store: Believe it or not, there are more plus-size women and girls than there are stores in the world. Manufacturers are starting to put out plus-size clothing lines that are trendy and exciting so that plus size women and girls can wear stylish clothing just like the straight size girls. It can be frustrating for anyone to go to a store where it seems unlikely that the clothes will fit correctly. As a short person of 5’3”, I know that venturing into certain stores would leave me stepping on about 6 inches of fabric—so why bother? Go to the stores that cater to the body of the person you are trying to fit—even if the driving distance is a little bit further than “just down the street.” It will be worth it.

3. Talk about health at any size: No size on its own necessarily means healthy. Someone can be a size 6 and feed their body junk food all the time, and someone else can be a size 16 and nourish their body with the best quality organic foods. If you are exercising your body and making good food choices, you can probably earn a clean bill of health from the doctor. Truly, some bodies do not have the ability to be as small as a 4 or a 6 no matter how little eaten or how much exercise done. I was speaking to one of my favorite plus-size models the other night who told me that at her very lowest weight (in high school) she was a size 8. She finally realized during her junior year that her body could never be smaller than that and in fact, if she was being honest with herself, she had presently looked like a rail. She was barely eating - “dieting” - and when she did eat, she felt horribly guilty about it. This is not health, is it? She knows now that her body is much healthier and comfortable at a size 12—so that is where she is today. When is your body—or your daughter’s body—at its healthiest size?

4. Dress the body you have beautifully: Over and over again I hear the same things from the plus size women in the modeling industry who I coach or interview each week. “Buy clothes that make you feel beautiful,” “Wear clothes that make you look beautiful,” “Be stylish and appear well put together.” Picture two plus-size girls on the first day of school. The first is dressed to the nines—with trendy pants and a gorgeous colorful top that shows off her curves in a very flattering and understated way. Her hair is styled, her make-up is subtle but becoming, and she knows she looks good. The second has thrown on the first thing she saw at the end of the bed—the pants are two sizes too big and the drab black top is even bigger than that. She has a hat on her head and she could care less what she looks like or how she is perceived. The first girl attracts exactly what she puts out—confident girls of all sizes who know that they deserve to treat themselves well. A fabulous “feedback” loop occurs which means that (1) She puts out a vibe that says that she is confident and feels good about her looks, (2) People read her as confident and looking good, (3) She receives nonverbal feedback from others that lets her know people believe she is confident and looks good, (4) Her confidence is reinforced, (5) Again, she puts out the vibe that she is confident and feels good about her looks. What do you think the second girl’s feedback loop looks like?

If all else fails, cut out those pesky little tags in the back of your pants or have someone else do it for you. We don’t want to put such high stakes into a ½ cent piece of cotton with a number on it. We are worth a lot more than that, aren’t we?

Additional Resources:

• Children’s Clothing Directory
• Young and Trendy Plus-Size Clothing Directory
• Elegant Plus Editor’s Pick Back-to-School Fashions for Plus-Sizes 12-34w
• Plus-Size Fashion and Style Books and Magazines
• Recommended Books on Self-Esteem and Body Image

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Dr. Robyn Silverman is a success coach and body image expert who can help you to achieve your goals at any age. For more information, go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com.  Share your thoughts about this column below - she’d love to hear what you think!

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Kiss My Assets: Self-Esteem and Body Image
Holiday Survival for the Body Healthy Gal
by Dr. Robyn Silverman

How can December be so wonderful and so stressful at the same time? Holiday cheer is the air; all our favorite foods are cooking in the oven and BAM, New Year’s resolutions about dieting and losing weight creep into consciousness.

People can go a few ways on this issue.  You have the overeaters — who know they are going to put food restrictions on themselves as soon as the date says “January 1” so they binge on everything in sight to make up for it.  Then you have the guilt eaters — who feel bad about eating at all for fear that someone in the family is going to say, “now I know why she’s getting so big.”  Then you have the healthy eaters — who don’t let the time of year or family opinion dictate the food choices they make.  They don’t over do it and they don’t restrict themselves from enjoying great food.  Which one are you?

We have likely all heard about the need to be “healthy at any size”.  But since we are in a world where time whizzes by and we don’t always have the time to make the best food choices, many of us are left with food that does not nourish or satisfy.  We know what is good for us but the “good stuff” can spoil quickly and can take longer to prepare when you compare it with going to the local fast food joint.  No wonder our relationship with food can be so erratic.

It is time to take back our health.  Why wait until January 1^st to star thinking about health?  Believe it or not we can nourish our bodies and our minds and still enjoy this holiday season:

(1)     Get rid of the diets: Seriously.  Food restrictions only make us eat more and they just plain do not work.  In fact, they slow down our metabolism and make us feel more anxious and depressed.  Dieting can make us more preoccupied with food and weight loss.  Instead, embrace a steady, healthy way of eating for life.

(2)     Eat for health: Perhaps when you were younger you were told to “eat the rainbow.”  This is still true for adults today.  Eat foods that have a lot of color and vibrancy because they are rich in antioxidants and vitamins that make us look and feel younger and more energetic.  At this time of year, make sure that your meals are balanced with whole grains, lean proteins and lots of fruits and veggies so that we can keep up with the hustle and bustle.  Think about it: a fast food hamburger and French fries—what the heck color is that in the rainbow?  There is a reason we feel sluggish after we eat it!

(3)     Eat a light snack before shopping or partying: We all know that if you go shopping when you are hungry, you will make food choices that make you feel bloated and tired.  Plan to eat something satisfying and healthy before you go.  Sandwiches on whole grain bread, salads with lean proteins or fish, or even an omelet filled with your favorite veggies will give you the energy to be out all day.  In addition, this is a great thing to do before a holiday party because it puts you in control.  You get to choose the foods you eat rather than letting the circumstance dictate your diet.

(4)     Go out for a walk:  Boy, do we sit around a lot at holiday parties!  This is a great time to reconnect with your family and friends who you don’t see very often.  Why not take the conversation outside?  The fresh air and exercise will make everyone feel great.  This will burn off some stress and get you out of the house.  You can also choose to do another form of exercise, like going to the gym, roller blading or going biking—either way, it does a body good!

(5)     Savor, don’t shovel: With so many tasty options, it is easy to binge eat even when we don’t want to do it.  After all, eating can be very social.  But remember, people took a lot of time (perhaps even you!) to create these delectable dishes.  It is a compliment to the chef to take your time eating it and it certainly is healthier for the digestive tract.

(6)     Enjoy the holiday:  Don’t worry so much about what other people are thinking or doing.  Take time to enjoy the people who you are with and the experience of celebration.  Holiday times do not need to be about stress, over eating, and preparing for your New Year’s resolutions.  It can be a time to relax, laugh, and enjoy if you make it that way.

(7)     Give yourself a break:  You are not a bad person if you over eat at holiday parties.  You are still a beautiful, healthy person. Obviously, if you eat in a healthy way most of the time, take your vitamins, and exercise, one day will not undo all of that.  It takes many days of eating unhealthily to put a person on an unhealthy path.  So give yourself a break—and if you overindulge at the holiday party, get up the next day and resume your typical healthy eating and exercise plan.

 Enjoy your family and friends this holiday season, but most of all, enjoy yourself! 

 Have a wonderful holiday and a happy, healthy New Year!

Additional Resources:

• Women’s Health
• Size Acceptance

Dr. Robyn Silverman is looking for preteens and teens to interview for her upcoming book! Please contact her if you are interested in participating!!!! Dr. Robyn is a success coach and body image expert who can help you to achieve your goals at any age. 

For more information, go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com or email her at DrRobyn@PowerfulWordsOnline.com. To share your thoughts about this column or to help Dr. Robyn with her research, join her blog at: http://kiss-my-assets.blogspot.com/

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