Elegant Plus Magazine

Giving Thanks for Eachother
by Chamein Canton

Since the holiday season is once again upon us I decided to stray from my usual format of discussing wedding fashions to take some time to address what’s at the core of every good wedding, the bride and the groom.

Long before you began planning the fairytale wedding, there were date nights, dancing, long drives, cozy dinners for two and just plain hanging out enjoying each other’s company. However sometimes it’s those very things that begin to suffer because we’re so busy planning the wedding of a lifetime.

Thanksgiving is a time for families to come together and give thanks for the blessings they have. It’s also the perfect time for you and your intended to give thanks for each other. These days it’s far to easy to take even the littlest things for granted, to take care of some detail that can afford to wait.

Several years ago a good friend of mine announced to me that she had finally met her soul mate and indeed she did. He wined and dined her and took her to some of the best tropical vacation spots in Caribbean. While she loved all the attention she told me some of her happiest evenings were spent in front of the television on Thursday nights watching Friends with him and just vegging out. And then they got engaged.

Suddenly everything centered around the wedding. She was completely consumed with making sure that every detail was perfect. In other words she turned into a Bridezilla. So instead of vegging out on Thursday nights with her fiancé, she had one ear to the phone and her eyes fixated on her wedding notebook. Someone had to talk to her and that someone was me.

We went to lunch and I basically told her that if she didn’t slow down and start spending less time yelling at the florist and more time cuddling with her fiancé there wouldn’t be a wedding to plan. She seemed shocked at first but once we broke down her behavior over two short months, she got the point. I told her to relax, release and delegate!

Eventually she hired a wedding planner (not me, I have a rule about mixing friendship and business) and within six months her wedding went off without a hitch. That was 10 years ago and they’re still together.

So what’s the point of this little story? We need to remember in this time of giving thanks to make time to give thanks for each other everyday and not just a few times a year. With all the pomp and circumstance that comes with being the bride a few things are bound to get overlooked, just be sure it’s not the groom. So this Thanksgiving before you freak out over cooking a meal, how many people are coming and whether you should have pumpkin or sweet potato pie, spend some quality time with your fiancé. Let him know how thankful you are that he’s in your life.
( By the way guys it works both ways.)

Chamein Canton is an author, mother and plus-size wedding expert living on Long Island, NY.

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Not long ago my friend Katherine and I decided over lunch that the innermost circle of hell is undoubtedly one eternal cocktail party. There’s a whole set of assumptions that attach to a single woman at a party, and they are only exacerbated if that woman happens to be fat. Single and slender, people wonder why you haven’t been snapped up. Single and fat, people don’t wonder - they think they KNOW.

 I’m allergic to putting myself in positions which confirm people in their prejudices, so I tend to avoid parties where I don’t know many people. It makes me want to drawl self-importantly, “Well, the Count really wanted to be here, *dahlink*, but he had some urgent last minute business with the Royals, and you know how they hate to be kept waiting!” In addition to that, I get shy in crowds of strangers. Generally speaking I’m quite outgoing and self-confident. (Enough so that when I tell people that crowds make me shy, they snort in disbelief.) The combination is just bad. It serves to push every insecurity button I have, and make me want to crawl under the couch, whimpering for my mommy.

Which is precisely why I accepted as many party invitations as possible over the holidays. No, I’m not a masochist. (Though who doesn’t like a good spanking now and then? Mrowl, baby.) My life experience has made it abundantly clear that, much like the thwap-a-mole at the carnival, my fears just pop up repeatedly until I clobber them for good. In college, I dealt with my tomboyish refusal to wear skirts by throwing out my pants and wearing nothing *but* skirts. Nine years later, I still prefer them. Insta-femininity combined with excellent air circulation - what’s not to like? But I digress.

In the true spirit of drawing one’s sword and bravely facing the slobbering Beast of Social Insecurity, I accepted several party invitations in the Halloween to New Year bloc. The first was to a Halloween party thrown by none other than Katherine, my cocktail party loathing friend. Having spent more time learning to deal with obligatory parties than I have, she had a couple of helpful suggestions. (Nothing like a friend who understands one’s neuroses to get you through the tough times.)

1. Get to the party early, while it’s in the closing stages of being set up. That way, you can meet people as they come through the door and are still nice individuals, prior to the pack mentality that happens once they’ve all arrived and are drinking and mooning each other *en masse*. (It’s a good idea to clear this with the hostess first, provided of course that she isn’t the one that suggested it to you.

2. Find something useful to do in the doorway area, and make a point of greeting each person as they enter, introducing yourself, and striking up some sort of conversation. It doesn’t have to last long, but it fixes you in their mind, and it’s easier later in the evening to join circles of people standing around talking to each other. You’re more likely to get a bright smile and a cheerful, “We met earlier, could you tell me your name again? I’d like you to meet some friends of mine!”

3. This may not be a rule, exactly, but here’s something *not* to do: Girding my proverbial loins, I pranced my way on my brand new 4″ sex kitten heels over to the door to practice Katherine’s suggestion. (Thank you Torrid, for creating a perfect harmony between agony and foxiness.) Standing near it was a really beautiful man. He was tall, African American, had those cool skinny little dreds all the way down his back, and biceps so large that I could almost hear his leather jacket panting with the effort of containing them. Mrowl, indeed. I don’t remember what I said initially, but eventually the inevitable Halloween party costume bit came up. I was feeling rather proud of my slinky little form-fitting black t-shirt that had a red devil tail sassily wrapped around the words, “Devilishly Cute.” (Sometimes, the obvious bears repeating.) I was going for a sort of lazy-urban-slightly-slutty-devilette look. I even had those tremendously cool drag queen tinsel eyelashes that stick out for *miles*. I couldn’t see a thing, but I looked smashing. I couldn’t figure this guy’s costume out, though. Very understated. Was he going for Cool Incarnate? Perhaps Tyr Anasazi from that show “Andromeda?” My query was met with a friendly, but nearly monosyllabic, “Bouncer.” “Ah,” I thought, “that’s a good one. He gets to go to the party without all the what-will-I-wear drama!” Then the doorbell rang, he removed his list of permitted guests from his pocket, and proceeded to check them off. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson…..”Doh!” Not “A” bouncer - “THE” bouncer!

Though some of you are no doubt recoiling in horror, I thought it was pretty funny. Evidently the bouncer did, too, judging from the grin and wink he shot me as he got to work. And really - isn’t any party at which handsome men grin and wink at you a smashing success? I certainly thought so. Thank you, Katherine! (Next Issue - Birthday parties galore!)  

Links You Might Like:

• Young and Trendy Plus-Size Clothes

• Plus-Size Costumes

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Inspirational Living: Living Compassionately
by Rev. ReBecca Ames Sala, Regular Contributing Author to Elegant Plus Magazine

American writer and Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote that “compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.” Living compassionately requires courage, strength and an awareness of this interdependence. It means opening your heart to those around you that you know and care about: family, friends and co-workers. It also means opening your heart to those you don’t know, people who help you find something in a store, strangers whose stories touch you in some small, but meaningful way. It can mean reaching across an ocean to extend sympathy to those who experience great tragedy or loss like the tsunamis in Asia, recent terrorist attacks in London, or those suffering loss and damages from Hurricane Dennis. While you may not know anyone personally who was involved, you can still feel compassion for what they are going through.  

As a chaplain, I see people in pain who are suffering: physically, emotionally and psychologically and I walk with them on their journey. They guide me as we navigate through some very difficult and painful terrain. That connection is the heart of true compassion. I am humbled as I watch patients reach out to others who are also suffering. It is in their recognition of shared suffering where the seeds of comfort and healing take root and grow.  

In order to reach out with an open heart, you must first look deep inside and be compassionate to yourself. That may be hard to do for some people. Society, family, that pesky inner critic can stop you from being compassionate to yourself. Comments like “what about me?” “I don’t have time” “you should be seeing to my needs” or “how I think or feel doesn’t matter” can fill your head and leave little room for yourself. If you are a helper, a person who has a caring heart, it is so difficult to direct that focus inward and give yourself an inner hug and a nice mental massage. Living compassionately means to open your heart to yourself as well, to love and care about yourself.  

How do you go about doing this? It isn’t easy to change patterns in your life so it is important to be intentional. Take time out for yourself everyday, a “compassion break” if you will. Look at every aspect of your life with a loving eye, accepting who and what you are. Write it all down and place it somewhere visible. Find out what feeds your soul and makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. This might change each day so keep a journal by your bed and write it down. These things can be simple, attainable everyday events or goals that you aspire to achieve. You may be surprised what you find out about yourself. Remember to live a balanced life with enough time for relationships, sleep, exercise and much needed laughter.  
Until next time…. 

Namaste (I honor the light within you) 

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Inspirational Living: What Does It Mean to Be Inspired?
by Rev. ReBecca Ames-Sala, Regular Contributing Author to Elegant Plus Magazine

 This month I will focus on what inspiration means and what inspires me.  In later columns, I hope to find out what inspires you. 

One of the best definitions for inspiration is “the act of drawing in.”  This can be interpreted in many different ways.  Inspiration is a creative force that allows people to achieve and create remarkable works, be it painting, writing poetry or music, creating a company or truly living one’s dream.  Inspiration can also be found by looking at what others have done in their lives.  I am inspired when I read about regular people living their lives to the fullest, creating change within their communities against incredible odds.

There is a spiritual quality to the word; to be inspired is to be in touch with the divine, a true drawing in of breath, beauty, an act of complete selflessness.  It is about finding the true essence of oneself, without all the labels and expectations that society places on us in our daily lives. 

 We live in a world today in which we are saturated with information coming at us from many different sources.  It is easy to feel guilty for even wanting to take some time to sit and just be, but taking that time is an important part of self-care.

 Below are the links to some of my favorite websites to offer you a little “inspiration break” while you are sitting at your desk feeling the need to relax for a moment. 

For a daily meditation:

• Daily OM

• Candles

• Deeshan

• Daily Zen

• Life Shaper

For more in-depth spiritual exploration:

• Of Spirit and Soul

• Belief Net

• Inspiration Peak

For a little bit of pet therapy:

• Best Friends.org

• San Diego Zoo Panda Cam

• Pet Finder

Or how about some art therapy:

• Metropolitan Museum of Art

• Art Renewal Center

• BBW Fine Art  Electronic Post Cards

If you are inspired to volunteer, but just do not know where to begin:

• Volunteer Match

• Dress for Success

• World Volunteer Web

In preparation for my next column, I would like to know about you, the readers and what inspires you each day.  What helps make you the person that you know you are inside and sustains you during the difficult times? What leaves you in awe?

 Is it volunteering?  Listening to music? Reading an especially good book that you just can’t put down?  A piece of artwork that leaves you moved?  All are ways to be inspired.  

 Until then…….

 Namaste (I honor the light within you) 

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In the Spotlight
 
   Meet: ReBecca
 Cause: Homelessness

 Hometown: New York City
 Age: 33
 Height: 5′5″
 Dress Size: 18-22

Profession: Corporate Executive Assistant  & Part-time  M.Div and Clinical Pastoral Education Student
 
 Hobbies: Spending time with my husband & friends, visiting museums, reading, watching movies, playing with my cats & any other animal I can find! 

You never know what will happen. During those years I was a museum administrator and then corporate executive assistant, but through my late night talks with the homeless men and women in that shelter  I heard my call to ministry.  One day, after beginning divinity school part-time in the evenings, I even met my future husband in line at registration. So you never know who you will meet and where life’s experiences will take you!  Volunteering to help the homeless of New York is one of the best things I’ve ever done, and it changed the whole course of my life!  I will graduate with my Masters of Divinity in May 2003, and hope to be ordained as a Unitarian Universalist minister in the next couple of years. At that time, I plan to focus on hospital chaplaincy full-time and leave the corporate world.

You too can make a difference no matter how little money or time you have. There are so many ways to give back to your community. To begin, think about what you love doing and how that would translate into volunteering. Be honest with yourself about how much time you can devote to the organization and make sure you feel comfortable there.  If it is a cause you feel strongly about — be it volunteering at homeless shelter or helping out with the local Brownie troop  – you can be sure it will make you feel great. And, it might even lead in some surprising directions!

ReBecca’s  Favorite Web Sites

• Idealist.org

• Partnership for the Homeless (NY)
• National Coalition for the Homeless
• Volunteers of America
• Literacy Volunteers for America
• Best Friends Animal Sanctuary
• Volunteer Match
• Volunteer Stories

ReBecca Recommends:

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