Kiss My Assets: Self-Esteem and Body Image
Back to School Shopping Battle: Is “Fit” the new “F” word?

by Dr. Robyn Silverman for Elegant Plus Magazine

New classes. New clients. New clothes.

Back to school time can bring up the anxiety levels of most everyone. Being in a routine can be wonderful but restarting a routine can be nerve-racking. Once we emerge from our summer stupors where life seems a bit slower and people are decidedly more lax, September hits us like a fist to the head. All of a sudden, it’s business as usual and school as expected. It’s about meeting new people, seeing old friends, and dealing with feeling that you have been here before but somehow, all of the rules have changed. The newness mixed with questionable familiarity breeds anxiety about how we look, what we are wearing and how we size up. So back-to -school shopping can be more like a battle than bliss—when “fit” is the proverbial “f” word.

I remember when I was about 15 years old. I was out shopping with my mother when we bumped into Jessica, the girl who had “stolen” my boyfriend during the previous year at the same time that she had “stolen” my part in the annual musical theater production. She was way too cute and over-the-top perky. Was I bitter? I couldn’t stand her and yet I admired her vehemently. Everything she tried on seemed to look perfect on her. In my eyes, I couldn’t measure up. The mirror wasn’t allowing me to see anything different—or perhaps—I wasn’t allowing myself to see anything different. I went into the dressing room and burst into tears. We have to remember as adults that while a size is just a size, it has a lot more impact when you are dealing with feelings of fitting in—not just fit—at back to school time.

How can we put back to school shopping into a more favorable light?

1. Discuss sizing discrepancies with the girls you love: While we have heard it before, sizes aren’t consistent from one designer to another—what is a 10 in some stores is a 14 in others. Clothing stylists tell us that vanity sizes are rampant and you can not really discern your true size from any one pair of pants. Manufacturers think they have us pegged, ladies. With self-confidence and body image wound so tightly together, girls and women may be less likely to purchase clothing in a larger size than they think they should be. After all, up to 80% of young women believe that they are overweight and feel “fat” even when they are of average weight. Although we may know it is exactly the same size whether it says 6, 10, or 16 in all these different stores, the number on our clothing can really do a number on us psychologically. We hold these sizes up like score cards on how we are doing in mastering Beauty 101. Can we let someone else determine our self worth just by sowing a size into the seat of our pants?

2. Go to stores that fit the person, don’t try to fit the person into the store: Believe it or not, there are more plus-size women and girls than there are stores in the world. Manufacturers are starting to put out plus-size clothing lines that are trendy and exciting so that plus size women and girls can wear stylish clothing just like the straight size girls. It can be frustrating for anyone to go to a store where it seems unlikely that the clothes will fit correctly. As a short person of 5’3”, I know that venturing into certain stores would leave me stepping on about 6 inches of fabric—so why bother? Go to the stores that cater to the body of the person you are trying to fit—even if the driving distance is a little bit further than “just down the street.” It will be worth it.

3. Talk about health at any size: No size on its own necessarily means healthy. Someone can be a size 6 and feed their body junk food all the time, and someone else can be a size 16 and nourish their body with the best quality organic foods. If you are exercising your body and making good food choices, you can probably earn a clean bill of health from the doctor. Truly, some bodies do not have the ability to be as small as a 4 or a 6 no matter how little eaten or how much exercise done. I was speaking to one of my favorite plus-size models the other night who told me that at her very lowest weight (in high school) she was a size 8. She finally realized during her junior year that her body could never be smaller than that and in fact, if she was being honest with herself, she had presently looked like a rail. She was barely eating - “dieting” - and when she did eat, she felt horribly guilty about it. This is not health, is it? She knows now that her body is much healthier and comfortable at a size 12—so that is where she is today. When is your body—or your daughter’s body—at its healthiest size?

4. Dress the body you have beautifully: Over and over again I hear the same things from the plus size women in the modeling industry who I coach or interview each week. “Buy clothes that make you feel beautiful,” “Wear clothes that make you look beautiful,” “Be stylish and appear well put together.” Picture two plus-size girls on the first day of school. The first is dressed to the nines—with trendy pants and a gorgeous colorful top that shows off her curves in a very flattering and understated way. Her hair is styled, her make-up is subtle but becoming, and she knows she looks good. The second has thrown on the first thing she saw at the end of the bed—the pants are two sizes too big and the drab black top is even bigger than that. She has a hat on her head and she could care less what she looks like or how she is perceived. The first girl attracts exactly what she puts out—confident girls of all sizes who know that they deserve to treat themselves well. A fabulous “feedback” loop occurs which means that (1) She puts out a vibe that says that she is confident and feels good about her looks, (2) People read her as confident and looking good, (3) She receives nonverbal feedback from others that lets her know people believe she is confident and looks good, (4) Her confidence is reinforced, (5) Again, she puts out the vibe that she is confident and feels good about her looks. What do you think the second girl’s feedback loop looks like?

If all else fails, cut out those pesky little tags in the back of your pants or have someone else do it for you. We don’t want to put such high stakes into a ½ cent piece of cotton with a number on it. We are worth a lot more than that, aren’t we?

Additional Resources:

• Children’s Clothing Directory
• Young and Trendy Plus-Size Clothing Directory
• Elegant Plus Editor’s Pick Back-to-School Fashions for Plus-Sizes 12-34w
• Plus-Size Fashion and Style Books and Magazines
• Recommended Books on Self-Esteem and Body Image

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Dr. Robyn Silverman is a success coach and body image expert who can help you to achieve your goals at any age. For more information, go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com.  Share your thoughts about this column below - she’d love to hear what you think!

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Kiss My Assets: Self-Esteem and Body Image
The ABCs of De-stressing and Confidence Building

by Dr. Robyn Silverman for Elegant Plus Magazine

It’s funny. But as the weather starts to cool down, we seem to get more stressed out! We question our abilities to “keep up with the Jones” and somehow exhaust ourselves with relationships, school, family, work, extra activities and everything else we could possibly heap onto our already full plates. And what about the ample time we consistently devote to primping, de-wrinkling and skimping on meals so that we can fit into our skinny jeans by Saturday night? You know what I mean. Have we had enough yet?

Here’s an article you may want to print out and tape to your dashboard, your bulletin board, or your planning board schedule book. Perhaps it will remind you that there is only one of you and it is OK to sit down every once in a while, kick up your heels and congratulate yourself on surviving and thriving through yet another day.

A.- Appreciate your best qualities: Big brains, great laugh, long legs, fabulous hair? If we could spend as much time focusing on the things we love about ourselves as we do about the things that frustrate us, we would be a great deal happier.

B.C.- Breathe and be Calm: Sometimes a deep breath can get us focused and give us just enough time to realize that everything is going to be OK. When we take a moment and calm ourselves down, we can think more clearly, become more productive, and show ourselves that no, indeed, we are not going to go insane.

D.- Date someone fabulous: You deserve someone who can see all the beautiful things in you. If you are already married or seriously involved, take your significant other out somewhere quiet or exciting and learn something new about them. Let them get to know something new about you!

E.F.- Eat healthy Foods: It is not about staying away from “bad foods” or foods that are fattening. It is about eating the foods that give sustained energy and nourishment. We are girls and women on the go! No stink’n fast food burger joint or teeny weeny salad is going to keep up with us. You deserve more. Eat well because you deserve to eat well.

G.- Go out with a friend: Good friends always have a way of putting a smile on our faces, don’t they? Taking time out to sit, talk, and laugh with a buddy can take pounds of stress off your life and make you realize that you are important.

H.- Hold out for the Good Stuff: Sometimes we take whatever man, opportunity, or dinner that comes are way—but we are worth more than that! It is time to step back and survey your life—if you are not happy with what you got, change it. You can have whatever your heart desires.

I.J.- Identify what “Juices” you: What gets you motivated, inspired, exuberant to the point of jumping on a couch and making a fool of yourself a bit? Whatever it is, do more of it. Whatever deadens this impulse, do less of it.

K.- Kiss the mirror: You are beautiful! Really, you are. It is time to start realizing that the only person stressing about your looks, is you! Accentuate your assets and show that you are proud.

L.- Laugh: Really hard and often. Laughing lets us “let go” and it just feels so good. Why take life so seriously? If you can’t remember what was so funny, spend some time with a little kid or a playful pet and they will remind you.

M.- Move your body: Exercise clears the brain, gets your body healthy and blows off steam. We always feel better about everything when we have endorphins pumping through our bodies!

N.O.- NO! Say it when you need to! You can’t do everything for all people and you can not go everywhere in one day. Though we might attempt it, it is not possible to be in more than one place at a time. When we try to cram in too much, we feel unsuccessful when everyone’s needs are not met. What about your needs? 

P.- Purge yourself of any toxic relationships: Toxic relationships are any relationships that make you feel bad about yourself when you are involved with them. You deserve the very best! Tell them to take a hike! It might be Fall but Spring cleaning is a necessity year round.

R.- Request help: It’s OK to ask for help! The most successful people in the world do it everyday. Feeling blue? Ask someone to lend an ear. Trying to reach a goal? Let a success coach help you! Got too much on your plate? Scrape some onto someone else’s! When we ask for help, we can make sure that the most important things get done and get done well.

S.- Say I love you: Say it to yourself and to those you love. It never gets old when you really mean it.

T.- Take some time for yourself: Sometimes it seems that we have enough time to focus on everyone else but ourselves. Curl up with a good book, go out shopping, take in a movie and realize what a good time you can have with the most fabulous person in the world…you!

U.- Unbuckle those too-tight clothes: Clothes that fit your body well are the ones that make us feel the best because they look the best. Nobody can be comfortable in clothes that are 2 sizes too small! The only one who knows the size of your jeans is you—and frankly, you are the only one who cares! Let it go!

V.- Value what you have: This means your health, your happiness, your relationships, your family, and your ability to contribute to this fabulous world we live in. It is always good to want more but we will always think the grass is greener somewhere else if we do not look around and realize that we have beautiful gardens growing right under our nose.

W.- Wonder. Dream, Fantasize about what could be…and then make it happen!

X.Y.- eXperience and Yearn: Get out and experience life! Learn something new! There are so many things to see and do. There really is no reason to be bored with life. Join a new class, date a new person, go hot air ballooning! When we do new things, we feel exhilarated and build competencies in new areas.

Zzzzzz- Get some sleep! Do you really need to stay up to watch that trash on TV? Some people say that it is relaxing—you know what else is relaxing? Sleep! Sleep makes us feel more beautiful, work more productively, make better decisions, and stay healthier than watching reruns of Loveboat! I guarantee it.

Additional Resources

• Plus-Size Fitness Books and Videos
• Voluptuous Art Books
• Novels with Curvy Heroines

Dr. Robyn Silverman is looking for preteens and teens to interview for her upcoming book! Please contact her if you are interested in participating!!!! Dr. Robyn is a success coach and body image expert who can help you to achieve your goals at any age. 

For more information, go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com or email her at DrRobyn@PowerfulWordsOnline.com. To share your thoughts about this column or to help Dr. Robyn with her research, join her blog at: http://kiss-my-assets.blogspot.com/

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Hello Gorgeous: Self Esteem and Love, Part I
by Lisa Klobucar, Regular Contributing Author of Elegant Plus Magazine

Well, “Hello Gorgeous!” and I really do mean that. So it’s been a few months. You have been loving and complimenting yourself in that lovely mirror I suggested you go out and get. You are not only believing you are wonderful, but it’s exuding from your very existence. So what’s next you ask? Well now comes the time to allow others in your world to admire and perhaps love the new inner you. 

Perhaps you have a special someone in your life. Have they noticed a change in you lately? Has that person been a positive influence in making sure your self esteem changes are what you what to see. The people in your life affect who you are and how you act. So if you have a boy/girl friend or family members that are on your butt for everything you do and that input is nothing but negative, then that impact is going to weigh in on you and your self esteem. 

You are making sure your needs are being met. You are providing yourself with the self love and self acceptance you need to be fulfilled. However, let’s face it, we have friends and family members that because things aren’t going well in their lives will try and make you feel bad. And if you are a big girl or guy, you are an easy target for those people. 

So what do you do? You want to let someone in your life that loves and appreciates your big wonderful self. How do you do that? One, know who you are. Know what you like and what you want in a potential mate, significant other. Do not allow someone family or not to enter your life and change you. Be comfortable enough with yourself to put your foot down and say, “hey this is me, love me or leave me and if you go it’s your loss.”

We are all a constant work in progress, growing, maturing and changing all the time. So your needs in a mate/significant other are bound to change as well. It’s recognizing and accepting the changes that signal the signs of maturity and growth. 

Dealing with family that won’t or can’t accept you as you are, what to do?….distance yourself and quickly. Now before you say, “I can’t do that” I am here to say, “Yes you can”. While it is your family, you also deserved to be treated with and talked to in a respectful manner. Your mother comes at you with, “you would be so much cuter if you ____________ (fill in the blank), your brother says, “ya know if you had a better___________(fill in the blank) you would be much happier. Aunt Louise, “have you tried that new diet, I bet it will work for you” STOP, put on the breaks. While these people may love you, they are also hurting you. Why? Because, they can and you let them. Trust me, your mom will stop with the remarks if you don’t let her get to you. The moment she starts in on you, change the subject. Or just tell her that you are hurting my feelings and I don’t like it. Letting people know that they are hurting you is never a bad thing. It’s when you continue to accept the hurt and it begins to manifests itself into something or someone you don’t like. 
 

So here are some tips for letting love in and dealing with family while keeping that growing positive self esteem. 
 

1. When a family member or significant other says something hurtful or negative, call them on it immediately. Don’t wait or settle for another time, deal with it when it happens.

1. Realize that some folks are just going to be nasty and negative no matter what role they play in your life. Maybe Aunt Louise is hurting and to take away her hurt she lashes out at you. Well you are no one’s whipping tool. Tell Aunt Louise or anyone that attacks you to get some medication and a 12-step program.

1. If your mate is constantly berating you, think about it. Would your life be significantly better without this person? What does this person bring to your life that you feel you can’t live without (and no, good sex does NOT count)

1. When you meet a special someone that you want in your life, show them who you are. Let that someone know they have indeed found a good man/woman. You indeed are a “catch” and should show it.

1. Above all, believe in yourself you are worth it.

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 It was at my friend Nirmala’s 25^th birthday that I practiced “party of one” tip number four. 

4. When you’re nervous, alone, don’t know how to talk to someone you’ve just met, and don’t yet know if you even want to know them further, ask them about themselves. It’ll let you know if you do want to get to know them, and relax everyone. Most people don’t receive a lot of undivided attention from other people who are interested in who they are and what they’re doing. Mostly, they’re told who to be, what to wear, what to weigh, who to date, and so on. To have someone express interest sets most people on fire. It doesn’t take much to get rolling. Here are a few examples that I used on one of Nirmala’s more reserved female friends. 

“Hi! I’m Nirmala’s friend Sita. What’s your name?” 

“How do you and Nirmala know each other?”  

“What do you do with your days? I’m working on an MA half-time, writing, and investigating volunteering opportunities.” (This allows them time to understand that you’re not asking necessarily what they do for a living, as though that’s the sum total of who they are. I hate that.) 

From a beginning like this, I learned that Nic’s friend is in her 30’s, not her 20’s like I originally thought. I found out that she used to be a cat and dog veterinarian, but recently chose to specialize in feline care. Her job isn’t just how she pays the mortgage, it’s something she’s passionate about. She often adopts the older cats that people bring in to put to sleep, so she has ten or twelve cats at home at any given time. All this told me a lot about why she and Nirmala are friends. Though reserved, Nirmala’s vet friend is passionate and dedicated to the life she’s created, she’s tremendously compassionate and doesn’t talk a lot about the things that need doing - she simply does them.  

I learned all that in the first fifteen minutes of conversation, simply by asking questions and letting her tell me, and show me who she was. 

To my surprise, I ended up staying at that party until almost midnight. (Something I never do. My family always teases me and calls me “Granny Edwards.” Now, where’s my walker?) 

Clearly, my party skills and I could use some practice, but I’m getting there. The best part is, I always have more fun than I expect, and it’s never as scary as I think it’s going to be. 

I even got to feel all super in demand at Nic’s party. I tried to leave at ten, but the people I was talking to exclaimed in disapproval, and wouldn’t permit it. 

What do you know? I may have arrived alone, but I left feeling like part of the group.

5. Calm down from the outside in. When I get uncertain and nervous, my heart rate goes up, and I begin to breathe very rapidly & shallowly. Take conscious, slow breaths, remind yourself that there’s no need to panic, and dive in. 

I found this particularly helpful when I attended a holiday open house with my mom and her sweetie. Other than me, the youngest person there was twice my age, and I’d never met any of them. Usually when familial guilt cons me into attending such events, I revert to age six. I drink ginger ale, stand pigeon-toed, & talk an octave above my normal speaking voice. It’s like being possessed of the ghost of Sita Past. Yuck. 

This time, when I felt myself beginning to skid headlong toward mute panic tinged with boredom, I yanked myself back. I worked on my breathing, and found myself immediately calming down, so when the hostess came over to talk to us (and asked me about myself - see #4), I was feeling receptive, and gamely followed along to be introduced to people. It was a wonderful evening during which I discussed the public school system, education in general, the impact of my education in my life, and learned a lot about art. 

Heading into a room full of people you don’t know can be scary stuff, even without adding size concerns into the mix. But recent experience tells me that simply by showing up to such events I’m confounding people’s expectations. Fat people don’t sit at home watching television because we’ve got nothing else to do. We go to parties, write articles about our silly mistakes, laugh at ourselves, love our friends, and we live our lives to the fullest. 

Now that is activism!

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