Kiss My Assets Column at Elegant Plus Magazine

Creating  Powerful Girls

by Dr. Robyn Silverman

It’s that time again. The diet commercials are in full force which can only mean two things; bathing suit season is right around the corner and nationwide body image is getting ready to plummet. Many adults worry that between all the talk about buff bodies and diet plans, girls will slip into a self esteem slump. How can we help girls to elevate their self worth without needing to go on and on about loving your body?

Confidence and self worth, both positive and negative, can influence how a person feels, thinks, and acts throughout childhood and adulthood. Those who have strong feelings of confidence and high self worth will feel more positive about themselves, think more positively, and act and behave more positively than those who have low self confidence and low self worth. In addition, girls with strong feelings of confidence and high self worth will like who they see in the mirror each day and know that they are worthy of love.

Girls are looking to the women in their lives to show them the ropes. Whether you are a parent, big sister, teacher, or friend of a girl, you can inspire girls to become confident in themselves by following these tips:

Help them to realize her unique gifts:

Everyone is talented or special in some way. While we are not all little Einsteins or mini- Monets, everyone has something to offer. Let her know that you appreciate their gifts. Allow her to show you what she can do—without doing it for her! She will get better with time. Hang up artwork, projects, or awards that exhibit these gifts so that your child knows that you value her special talents. Creating a Wall of Fame will allow her to see all of her accomplishments.

Be present:

When a girl is sharing new knowledge or new gifts, pay attention! This is the time to shut off the TV and the cell phone. When you do this, she will know that she is important and worthy of your undivided attention.

Don’t over-praise:

You can let her know that she is special without over-praising. Not everything she does is worthy of the Wall of Fame. She can’t always be super, perfect and fantastic. When you praise a girl when praise is due, she will know you are being genuine and that she has really done a good job.

Be a RAD role model (Reliable, Accountable, and Dependable):

While you may not always be available when she needs you, create a pattern of responsiveness and responsibility. Be on time, be reliable, and follow through with what you say you are going to do. When you are a RAD role model, she will know that she can count on you and that she is worthy of your follow through. She will also learn what it means to be a positive role model to others.

Praise effort:

It may be easy to focus on a high mark on a paper or a gold medal, but it’s really important to praise effort instead of results. When a girl knows that she has worked hard and that hard work is praised, she will likely keep putting in the effort to make the accomplishment. When we are results driven, failure can stop us in our tracks and make us give up for fear of failing once again.

When we take the time to instill confidence in girls, they become a little bit stronger everyday. Then they can call upon that strength when they are feeling low or bombarded with negative, body-bashing messages. The strength of positive mentors carries on even when you’re not around!

Until next time (and the next 5 tips)!

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About the Author

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, businesses and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your school or business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information.

Popularity: 64% [?]

Fitting in While Standing Out:
7 Tips to Cope with your Child’s Need to be “Perfect” in a Win-at-All-Costs World

by Dr. Robyn Silverman, Kiss My Assets Columnist for Elegant Plus Magazine

It was one of those moments when your mouth just hangs open. Joanne, mother of Tina, age 6, wrote to me in disbelief. “My daughter’s cheerleading coach told her that she needs to slim down if she wants to be a winner. Tina just cried. When I spoke to the coach she told me, ‘these girls need to be able to fit into these cute little outfits. (She showed me one). There is nothing cute about bulges and bumps on six year old girls…even if you call it baby fat.”

Sports can be a wonderful way for children to grow, learn, and develop as individuals, teammates, and leaders. But as parents, coaches, and educators we need to be very careful. Our weight-related behaviors, assumptions, and comments can have an incredible effect on a child’s body esteem, health, and long term feelings of self worth. Both boys and girls of every weight group can be affected.

With girls, involvement in aesthetic sports like gymnastics, figure skating, cheerleading, dance, and swimming, can have an impact on a child’s body esteem if coaches or parents are insensitive about looks and weight. Attire can be revealing, competition can invite body-oriented comments, involvement can be contingent on “fitting” a certain stereotype, and high scores can be dependant on body size and weight. 

Plenty of parents have come to me after their instructor told them that their child didn’t have the right body for ballet or the coach told them that “chubby girls don’t win competitions.” Others have told me of the embarrassment their children face when their weights are posted in front of everyone in the spirit of “dieting by peer pressure.”

Girls have complained about their fear of getting their period because they feel that their chosen sport frowns upon curves and breasts. Many admit to weight loss strategies even at a young age. Pressure to “fit in” to the perfect body standard can be linked to improper dieting, over-exercising, delayed physical maturation, laxative use, purging (vomiting), and eating disorders. 

Boys can suffer from poor body esteem just like girls. Involvement in weight class competition sports like wrestling and boxing, contact sports like football or hockey, or weight sensitive sports like cycling or running can invite body scrutiny. A child might learn from teammates that rapid weight loss is customary in preparation for a weight-class-based competition. Boys participating in contact sports might feel pressure to “bulk up.” Still others involved in weight sensitive sports like cycling or running, in which low weight can give you a competitive-edge, may feel pressure to senselessly diet or use performance-enhancing drugs to keep up. Some coaches may not know what’s going on or simply choose to turn the other way.

As parents, what can we do?

1. Evaluate your own thoughts: Do you have a “win-at-all-costs” attitude? If so, you may be sending a message to your child that s/he needs to do whatever it takes to win, even if that means unnecessary dieting, bulking up, or using performance-enhancing drugs. Keep winning in perspective and remember the real reason your child is involved in sports.
2. Talk to your child: Be sure s/he understands your feelings about winning-at-all-costs and the dangers that can invite. Put “perfect” in perspective. Let your child know that if s/he ever feels pressured to alter his or her body in any way, to come talk to you.
3. Interview the coach: Whether you are dealing with an after-school program or an in-school extra-curricular, you have a right to interview the coach privately. You might ask the coach about his or her opinions regarding weight, weigh-ins, dieting, uniforms, winning, puberty, nutrition, performance-enhancing drugs, and coaching philosophy. How does s/he convey his or her views to the children?
4. Build character: If you start teaching character-building skills while your children young, they will take those lessons of self-respect, assertiveness, leadership, and confidence with them into any activity they do. Teach these lessons at home and find a sports program or activity program that integrates character education into their lesson plans each week. This way, your children will understand that sports are more about building character than about fitting into the ideal body type.
5. Avoid Comparisons: As parents and coaches we need to be careful of comparing our children’s body shapes and weights to others. Our children should be focused on making themselves better rather than being thinner or more muscular than someone else. Every child matures at a different rate. Maturation invites weight gain that is both normal and healthy. When we compare our children based on body size and shape it can be both hurtful and destructive.
6. Talk to a doctor: If a coach has asked a child to get on a special diet of any kind, speak to your pediatrician or pediatric nutritionist. Children need a certain number of calories, protein, fluid intake, carbohydrate, and vitamins for normal growth and health.
7. Ensure developmental sensitivity: If your pubescent daughter is involved with an activity in which the “perfect body” for competition is thought to be a prepubescent one, be sure that her coach is sensitive to normal maturation changes. Similarly, if your son is involved in a sport in which the “ideal body” is a mature muscular one, be sure that the coach is sensitive to varying rates of growth and body types. How is body size and shape handled in these situations? How are children made to feel when it comes to these maturational factors that they can not control?

There is a wide array of sports and activities for children of all ages. Many sports and after-school centers offer wonderful programs with long-lasting benefits. A great coach can be a mentor, a friend, a leader, and an inspiration. However, children are impressionable. Even subtle messages about weight and shape in these athletic arenas can impact our children’s behavior, body esteem and feelings of self worth. Doing a little preventative homework and being clear about your own views can ensure a positive experience for everyone.

© Dr. Robyn Siliverman: Please do not reprint in any form - electronic or print - without permission from the author.

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This article first appeared in Baystate Parent Magazine . Reprinted with permission at Elegant Plus Magazine.

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About the Author

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, businesses and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your school or business? Go to DrRobynSilverman.com for more information.

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Popularity: 35% [?]

Change in the Air

Hello Gorgeous Self-Esteem Column by Lisa Klobucar at Elegant Plus Magazine

The fall breezes are blowing again and that means it’s time for a change. There are only three months left in 2007. Before long snow will be flying and Christmas songs will be jingling.

This time last year I wrote in my column how I wanted, needed a change in my life. Well lo and behold a year later lots of changes have occurred for me and my family.

First, I met someone in the summer of 2006, fell in love and became engaged. However, this was not a union to last. After nearly a year I ended the engagement and the relationship. While this was a wonderful guy he just was not the one for me. Now, don’t worry, love will come to my life again. But I am glad I realized that this relationship/marriage wasn’t going to work before I said, “I do.”

Now, my girls and I did end up relocating. No, not out of state but to another part of the same state. I had been contemplating a move to New Mexico. But we ended up staying here in Michigan. We bought our first home and happily relocated to a new community, new school and new friends.

While moving can be a trying and exhausting undertaking in itself, my girls and I actually enjoyed cleaning packing and moving. There is something very liberating in purging your space of clutter and junk. My girls were awesome at sorting and packing. I would not have been able to move as efficiently as I did if my girls were not so helpful.

The move was just what we all needed. A change of scenery, and a change in the way of life we were living. My girls love the new house and we have been busy discovering parks and of course place’s to shop. Talk about a boost in self-esteem, a positive move can make some huge differences in how you see yourself.

It takes confidence and determination to relocate your family. I moved about 60 miles north of where I used to live. I left some very good friends, whom I do miss. But despite phone calls and emails, those so-called friends are not willing to come out for a visit or even keep up with the emails and such. So I have had to let those friends go. It hurts but you move on. I have actually made or reacquainted myself with some friends who live on this side of town.

I made some promises to myself after the move. I wanted to take some time and do some things just for me , whether it is taking a class or working on crafts. Moving is all about change, and I always look at change being a good thing. Since moving some very good changes have taken place. First of all love has entered my life again. I am currently seeing someone who has been in my life for awhile. My girls are doing great in their new school and they are making friends as well.

Overall, yes, I recommend moving. Whether it’s for a professional or personal satisfaction. Yes, moving can boost your self-esteem. As I mentioned earlier, it takes confidence and determination to relocate to a new area. You have to be willing to put yourself out there and meet new people and make new friends. If you are feeling stagnate in your job or in your home, a move can give you a whole new outlook on yourself and your life.

There is no time like the present, so get moving!

Popularity: 16% [?]

Stilettos and Curves Traveling Plus-Size Fashion Show
Whistle-Stop: Detroit, Michigan

by Lisa Klobucar,  Hello Gorgeous! Self-Esteem Columnist at Elegant Plus Magazine

Curvy, rubenesque, voluptuous and zaftig are all words to describe the fuller figure. I had the good fortune to attend a fashion show Sunday night (October 21, 2007) at the Cobo Center in Detroit, Michigan that celebrated women who embodied those words: the “Stilettos and Curves” fashion show. Not your average fashion show, Stilettos and Curves is part of a growing grass-roots self-esteem movement across the United States that marries fashion with plus-size models to show big girls can, do, and deserve to look fabulous.  It joins the likes of the pioneering Hips, Heels and Curves Tour from DeVoe Signature Events out of New York City, the Simply Couture Tour out of Los Angeles, and the Divabetic Tour, to name just a few, that are criss-crossing the country, plus numerous local and regional shows that are shouting this positive message from the catwalks. Mo’Nique may have taken the movement sleek and Hollywood style with her enormously popular Fat Chance televised plus model boot camp and competition, but this type of urban event is where it all started.  This wasn’t just a simple fashion show, it was a fashion EVENT!

To see gorgeous, big girls, not just walking the runway but strutting their stuff in glamorous, well fitting and stunning clothes was truly exciting. These ladies knew they looked great and their confidence showed in the way they came down that runway. Outfit after outfit was presented on models of varying sizes and shapes, none smaller than a curvaceous size 14 with sizes as large as 30, while every shape of curves from apple to pear was dressed to kill. No matter the outfit or the model it was a celebration of curves. No wafer thin, “Twiggy’s” on this runway! This was a runway for the woman of size, substance, and style.

This wonderful fashion extravaganza was presented by the Full Figured Diva Academy. Who knew that there was a place to celebrate the “Diva” in all of us?

Plus models strut their stuff at the Stilettos and Curves Fashion Show

The Show

The sell-out crowd was an awesome mix of men, women and children. They were all charged and ready to see this show. Once the lights dimmed, the clapping started even before the first model had appeared on the stage. There were two little boys there cheering on their mom as she walked the runway. Deafening enthusiasm washed around me as the models came out. Cheers, shouts, whoops and whistles were the order of the evening, both in appreciation of the fashions being shown and for the models themselves.

The fashion show featured clothing from local stores, so the outfits were very accessible and affordable for anyone attending. Most of the stores were all very familiar big name brands like Lane Bryant, Torrid and Ashley Stewart to name a few. In every color of the rainbow, the clothing styles ranged from business attire, to casual weekend wear. There was even a section on formal evening wear. I saw several dresses that I would love to wear for some holiday gala or New Year’s Eve party.

While there were outfits that could easily run into the hundreds of dollars, there were also plenty of outfits for every size and budget imaginable. The fact that all the Divas were various shapes and sizes brought home the point of there is a outfit for every size. One of the models, Relita Clarke, has been a runway model for six years and she’s always been a plus model.  She told me, “I love being in an organization where everyone looks like me and to have that empowerment is a wonderful thing. We are trying to send the fashion industry a message. A message that not only thin women can do this.”

The one thing that really stood out with Stilettos and Curves Fashion Show was that each model wore colors that complimented her. In the big runway shows you never see that kind of nod to reality. The designers usually put the models in whatever fits best, applies make-up, and doesn’t worry about color. This show took the time to showcase clothes that put the models in the best light not only for the styles being displayed but for them personally, just like real women in the audience who were looking to them for inspiration ought to do.

For this big girl sitting in the audience and watching these women walk down the runway I felt exhilarated and inspired. The Divas looked great and they knew it, it showed on their faces. The audience loved the way the models looked as it was hardly ever quiet with clapping and shouts of encouragement throughout the hour and a half show. I have to admit after watching the Divas come down the runway, I felt the need to strut my stuff as I walked out the door.  I think their mission was accomplished.

    
All shapes of curves shown in casual and eveningwear

The Women Behind the Show

Natasha Bryson, 30, is the director of the “Diva Academy” and she also runs Gemini Modeling and Talent Group in Baltimore, Maryland. Natasha has graced the runway in many shows and is not your typical big girl. In fact she is not a big girl at all. She’s an extremely slender woman, but she’s in our corner. Natasha’s recognition for the need of big girl fashions prompted her to open the Full Figured Diva Academy several years ago. The Diva Academy includes a four week boot camp for aspiring models and women who just want to learn to strut their stuff and improve their confidence and fashion sense. Like most plus-size fashion and model boot camps, Diva’s are taught to not only walk the runway but also how to wear the clothes and how to walk confidently in 3 inch heels. Also included are makeup and hair tips that can be applied to your everyday life, not just on the runway.

I asked Natasha how she finds her Divas?  “Our advertising is pretty much a grass roots effort with email and radio spots, and of course word of mouth. Many of our Divas have come to us from friends of friends.”  The success of such methods was all around me Sunday night with a packed, sold-out show  which truly speaks of the hunger and demand for such shows in opposition to our “thin is in” culture. Natasha ‘s attitude in regards to all women shows when she says things like, “My goal is to have women feel good about themselves no matter their size. I feel that you have to work with what you have been given and improve on yourself from there.” Following up on the self-esteem message of these grass-root shows, Diva Tammara Zanders (Sponsorship Coordinator) added, “we are striving for a consistent presence not only in fashion but in ourselves.”

Don’t think that all these women do is walk the runway, they all have careers outside of the Academy too. For example, Kimberly Badru is one of the original Divas. She has been with the Full Figured Diva Academy for three years, but she is also the director of a catering company. Kimberly became involved with the Diva’s not only for herself but to give her daughter a positive role model. She wants to show her daughter that she can be and do anything she sets her mind to in life.

    
Trendy business wear and classic evening
styles come down the runway

The Tour

The Full Figured Diva Academy is currently on tour showcasing “Stilettos and Curves.” The tour has been to Pennsylvania, Virginia and Michigan. The next stop on the tour is Maryland. While in Maryland they will hold a four week, two hours a day boot camp and then present the fashion show with the local Divas who attended the boot camp as well as the national Diva’s who travel with the show.

So are you ready to be a Diva? Or maybe you just want to check out the next fashion show. You can find out more information by clicking here.

Popularity: 42% [?]

Real women with Real bodies in the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

“I’m So With You on That. I am Too Fat” or A Mother’s View of Body Image from the Trenches

by Lisa Klobucar, Elegant Plus Magazine “Hello Gorgeous! Learning to Love Your Curves” Columnist

Poof! Summer’s over, did you enjoy it? The summer fun, the trips to the pools and parks? The family reunions, cookouts and fireworks…. I hope so, because it’s time for books, homework and of course Christmas is just around the corner. But that’s a whole other column.

In June, long before September makes her grand entrance I start planning and thinking about the upcoming school year. As a divorced mom of two girls I have always made it a staple of my house to show and instill in my girls the importance of a healthy self-esteem. Since children spend about 75% of their time at school with teachers and friends, it’s important that my girls know that they are loved; and, when they look in the mirror that they love what they see looking back a them too. I want them to feel secure with themselves. As we all know, peer pressure can change a child’s whole outlook not just about school but more importantly about how they see and project themselves.

During the summer something interesting happened. My house became the, “it” house. You know, the house where all the kids like to hang out. How and why this happened, who knows? My girls and I live in a small three bedroom townhouse. However, at any given point in time during the summer I had at least one or more extra children in my house. Now I am not some cool, easy going, laid back mom. My girls will tell you I am rather strict. Yet there are several little girls who have no problem being in my home, not only visiting and playing with my girls, but cleaning and straightening up the messes they make.

One very hot and fun filled weekend I had four giggling, “ohh he’s cute, let’s wear the same color” girls in my house. I was in a grocery store with my tribe, half-listening to them laugh and banter, discuss likes/dislikes about who is cute (by the way, Johnny Depp is hot all four agreed).  Suddenly one of the girls who is ten years old said, ” I need to lose ten pounds.” Then my eleven year old states, “I am so with you on that. I am too fat.” I stopped dead in my tracks, grocery cart and all, as all four girls promptly walked into me.

I turned and looked at them. All four are different, shapes, sizes, colors… all beautiful, smiling and for the most part happy. I looked at the two oldest girls and asked, “Why do you think you are fat and need to lose weight?” I was very interested to hear what their answers might be, especially since one of the two who thought she was fat was my own child. The ten year old stated that her mother was always lamenting to her and whoever else would listen that she (the mom) was too fat and needed to lose ten pounds. I immediately saw that the mother of this child had transferred her own poor self image onto her child, a child that was and is still growing and developing.

I then asked my own daughter, why she thought she was fat. My daughter asked if she and could talk about it later. I said, “Of course, “  making sure that they all knew I wasn’t upset, just very interested in their answers. Later that evening as the girls were getting ready to go to sleep for the night, my daughter came into my room and we talked. She said that she didn’t think she was fat, but she wanted to support her friend. She said that her friend is always complaining about her weight. Now I will have you know that the ten year old is thin and wears a girls size 12, all very right for her body and size. My daughter however, trying to be a good friend and be supportive thought that agreeing with her friend on being fat would somehow ease the ten year old’s dislike of herself.

The next day after all the girls had gone home, I asked my daughter, “What do you see when you look in the mirror?” Of course I get the, “Oh mom, do I have to answer this now” statement. But she walked to the full length mirror in the hall and said, “I’m cute. I have great hair, a dazzling smile.”  I asked her, do you really think you are fat? My daughter said, “No” but she went on to add that she has seen kids who are built smaller than she is get teased because of their weight.

This school year my oldest enters junior high. This will certainly be a test of wills for both my daughter and myself. Girls around this time tend to change, due to hormones and other developments that are going on. Cliques come into play. The issue of being popular also starts to rear it’s head. And we cannot forget that boys start to notice girls and vice versa. My daughter’s sense of self will be tested, I am sure. While I have done my best to prepare my daughter for what may or may not happen. In the end it will be up to her to decide how she will handle and carry herself with her peers. I have always been a big girl. I was a BBW, before the term BBW was even brought into existence. If nothing else, I believe that as a parent I lead by example. I have always let my girls see me as I am -  a beautiful, confident woman with no self deprecation in constant fat, diet and weight-loss talk.  I think that is one of the best things I can do  to let them know that no one body is “perfect” and that is OK.  I also have faith in my oldest. She is like me in many respects. The girl has chutzpah and moxy, OY!

Popularity: 35% [?]